A Beatin' Heart

I write about God a lot. Not because I live my life perfectly, not because I fail miserably, but because my heart and my mind are constantly in battle, fighting to find, seek, relate, and discover my purpose in Him. Tears filled my eyes the first time I heard this song, and the more times I hear it, the more I fall in love with the lyrics. Most of the time it is words that move or inspire me, but this song....challenges me. "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?" When I heard that chorus for the first time, a part of me felt like it was what my heart has been screaming at the Lord for such a long time. Duties, responsibilities, life-lessons, loss of innocence, pain, strength, perseverance.....all things the past years have given to me in my journey into adulthood. All things that left me relying less on faith and more on myself, to accomplish, succeed, and pretty much ..... just get it done. No wonder I am unmoved. No wonder I am unconsumed...

Bebo Norman takes me back, at least, 12 years. He was one of the very first christian artists that I really enjoyed listening to. I love his unique, mello style. I love that he writes most of his music. I love the message and the authenticity his songs hold. This song has been on my playlist for the past few months, mostly because it is where I feel like I am right now, but also to remind me that that is OK. The middle is a tough place to be, and I am someone who has always struggled in finding their place "in the middle." I didn't even realize how many different situations I could apply this song to until yesterday. We have been battling a tough season in our home. Since January 1, my 3 year old son and I have had 4, yes 4 cases of strep throat now. My one year old has had it once. Both of my boys have had 3 ear infections each. Both boys have had to have sleep studies and will soon have to have their tonsils and adenoids removed due to sleep apnea. I had an...

Wow. Has it really been almost two months since I have written? Sadly, I can almost fill in a lot of different endings to that sentence, "Has it really been almost two months since......" It's definitely been a season, of ups, downs, way downs =), and everything in between. Somewhere amongst this "season" I just can't seem to find my words. I know this is going to come as a shock to all of my three readers out there, lol, but I just can't seem to piece my thoughts together long enough before they seem to jump to another. But then I realized the other day, that that is not entirely true. It isn't that I've (temporarily) lost my passion or desire to write, I've just been channeling my thoughts in a different direction. Music. I love music. To the very deep down depths of me.....I love a good song. As cheesy as it sounds, it does move me. I can't tell you how many times I have heard a song amongst friends or family and asked, ...

Most of us grow up and can't wait to get married and have children. We have the wonderful opportunity to pass our knowledge and experiences on to a future generation. It is a gift to be able to share the things we did right and most definitely the "what not to do's." We learn from our children....how to give grace, love selflessly, find self-control, juggle 50 different things at one time. Most importantly we get to thrive daily on endless hugs, kisses, snuggles, and I love you's. But what if there is more? I can almost feel a tiny smirk on the Lord's face looking down on me as I make this profound statement. ("Is she FINALLY getting it??) What if God also gives us these little blessings to visibly reflect the things in our own lives that are keeping us from becoming the best possible version of ourselves? For as long as I can remember, my three year old, Baker, has wiped away my kisses! Yes, that is right....WIPED off my kisses. Before, I believe...

"....even on my weakest days.... I get a little bit stronger!"

As I sit and look back on the past year of this blog, it is funny the thoughts that come to mind. I can literally remember every post and the purpose behind each writing....which, in itself, brings both joy and pain. 2010 has been one the best and most difficult years that I have ever walked through. Rereading my posts, however, I see a clear picture of "me" in them. Each one is spun with a happy ending, an encouraging thought, maybe even an insightful epiphany. It makes me wonder why I do that, why I write that way. And that is when it hit me....it isn't that IT IS always happy, encouraging, or insightful, but I write with hope...hope that it can be. So it is with hope that I say goodbye to 2010 and look forward to 2011. Hope that I will take the lessons God has given me this year and make me stronger, better, and brighter for the years to come. Just a few things I've learned this year (in no particular order): *I am a social person. I love people. I love to...

The lights were dim, candles were lit, the worship team was singing, tears were streaming down my face. This is where I found myself in church this morning. The message that has been stirring in my heart for weeks had never been made so clear, had never been so powerful in that moment. When I allow myself to look back over the past year, I realize that it has been without a doubt the toughest year I have ever experienced to date (which is a scary thought in itself....to date.....knowing that there will be harder years to come). I have experienced the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, been transitioned, unsettled, uncertain, unprepared, uniquely broken. And though all of these things continue to wage war against me daily, I have marveled at God's ever impeccable timing. It is such timing that reminds me beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is in fact there, that He is in control of all things, and that He does love me. I have said many times that Christmas is what has saved ...