Friday, August 31, 2012

Lessons Learned Through Our Children

If I could paint a picture of this week it would be one of confusion, frustration, sadness, and tears.  To say it has been a tough few days is a bit of an understatement. My oldest child, technically able to start Kindergarten although he doesn't turn 5 until next week, has started Kindgarten Readiness.  It is program offered for those late birthday kids who can have a more relaxed, stress free learning experience while still getting adjusted to big school.  I knew it would be a challenge, as anything new usually is for my Baker, but I never dreamed it would have been like this.  After a week of school we have experienced sleepless nights, not eating well, crying hysterically begging not to go, irrational anxiety and fears...just to name a few.  It's one thing to see your child struggle, but when you see it completely affecting every area of his life and not know what to do but hold on tight and just keep loving him....it is a very helpless feeling as a mother.

After one of the toughest mornings of dropping him off, I came home and tried to get ready for the day....and I just....couldn't.  I felt so worn down. So I simply sat on the edge of the tub, began praying for my child, and just cried to the Lord (sobbed could be a better term). "Lord, I know that this is the best thing for him, but it is killing me watching him struggle so.  It is literally tearing out my heart to watch his heart hurt so badly......"

And that's when a memory came back into my mind.  Over a year ago, in that same bathroom, in that same place, having one of those days that just made doing the smallest task of getting ready feel too much to bare, I sat and sobbed to the Lord.  My heart was hurting. I was sad, confused, uniquely broken.  As I began to remember this...and quickly push the thought aside as I try to do these days....it is almost as if I felt the Lord whispering...."Don't you see now how I felt during that time of your life?  I knew it was best for you, but it broke me...tore my heart out.... to see you hurting. And all I could do was love you through it."

To know the depths of my own heart for my sweet child....and to know that God could possibly love me not only just as much but more....is almost unfathomable.  To think that He was up in heaven crying for me because He couldn't bare to see my own hurting was a concept I never would have believed or even been able to grasp until it became so real and so personal within my own life.

Does it make this time easier? No. Does it make me stronger? Probably not. But it humbles me in a way I have never been humbled before. It draws me to His presence and helps me find rest. It makes Him more real and smaller....in a good way....than I have ever perceived Him before. And it helps me "come to Him" in moments, days, weeks such as these.
"Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of earth’s sorrows, into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee."