Sunday, March 6, 2011

You Can Have Me

I write about God a lot. Not because I live my life perfectly, not because I fail miserably, but because my heart and my mind are constantly in battle, fighting to find, seek, relate, and discover my purpose in Him. Tears filled my eyes the first time I heard this song, and the more times I hear it, the more I fall in love with the lyrics. Most of the time it is words that move or inspire me, but this song....challenges me.

"When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?"
When I heard that chorus for the first time, a part of me felt like it was what my heart has been screaming at the Lord for such a long time. Duties, responsibilities, life-lessons, loss of innocence, pain, strength, perseverance.....all things the past years have given to me in my journey into adulthood. All things that left me relying less on faith and more on myself, to accomplish, succeed, and pretty much ..... just get it done. No wonder I am unmoved. No wonder I am unconsumed. No wonder those lyrics spoke right into my deepest longing. When did I not allow God to be enough for me anymore?
"If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life."
Ultimate surrender. I think about that often, what it would be like now, to just give it all up to God, to lay my life down and just STOP trying to be in control. I'm not even talking about seeing Jesus on the street and choosing to walk away from everything just to follow him. I just mean in the day to day. What would it be like to STOP talking, STOP planning, STOP worrying, and START listening, START trusting, START living? I used to say ALL THE TIME that "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." And I honestly do believe that. As a matter of fact, I can think of quite a few times where I'm quite certain I've given him one of those great, contagious, pit of your belly laughs (a good Jonte laugh)!!! So why is it so hard?
"If you're all you claim to be, then I'm not losing anything."



Thursday, March 3, 2011

Ahhhh.....Bebo

Bebo Norman takes me back, at least, 12 years. He was one of the very first christian artists that I really enjoyed listening to. I love his unique, mello style. I love that he writes most of his music. I love the message and the authenticity his songs hold.

This song has been on my playlist for the past few months, mostly because it is where I feel like I am right now, but also to remind me that that is OK. The middle is a tough place to be, and I am someone who has always struggled in finding their place "in the middle." I didn't even realize how many different situations I could apply this song to until yesterday. We have been battling a tough season in our home. Since January 1, my 3 year old son and I have had 4, yes 4 cases of strep throat now. My one year old has had it once. Both of my boys have had 3 ear infections each. Both boys have had to have sleep studies and will soon have to have their tonsils and adenoids removed due to sleep apnea. I had an emergency room visit with a possible broken tail bone. We have mounting medical bills at the moment, only to get larger with the surgeries. Having sick children is very tough, and having sick children for almost 2 months straight....is very wearing. So add Mommy being sick during that whole time as well, and you can imagine where I've been.......IN THE MIDDLE! And this is just the "physical" well being of all of us.

"I'm not looking for freedom, maybe just a little meaning.....here in the middle."

I am strong. I am a fighter.....but a real part of me has felt like this world is waging war on me, trying to break my spirit. And tears came to my eyes as I told my husband last night.....that its about to win, I am just about broken. So as I took a bath and let my ipod play the OLD Bebo cd, I let the words of one of my favorite songs really sink in.

No matter where I am, no matter what my dreams are, no matter where my heart may lie at the present moment, no matter what road I am on....God is still in control. I truly believe that somewhere among the confusion, mess, hurt, and trials the "middle" throws at us.....that God uses all of that "junk" to shape, mold, and form us into the person HE created us to be. The minute I stop believing that, is the minute I lose my purpose. So daily.....and it's not easy....but DAILY, I remind myself of that very thought.....and it helps me press onward!

"My dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds."