Saturday, July 24, 2010

Holy HATS!!!

It is that time of the week again, or if you are lucky you've allowed two weeks in between....the dreaded grocery visit. If you are a stay at home mom you have both a love-hate relationship with this store. You walk aimlessly down the isles, thankful, one, to at least be out of the house and, two, for remembering to make that list before you left. As if you can actually remember what you need once you enter this endless land of (crying, screams, grabbing things off the shelves) food items! You usually allow yourself 30 seconds to think, "Do I dare enter empty handed? I children are EXPECTED to behave a certain way." And once that ridiculous thought passes, you reach for the....sucker, goldfish....basically anything that will provide you with a few minutes of concentration on what you are actually there to do.

If you can relate to this at all, then most likely you can probably relate to the events that occurred BEFORE leaving the house. While sparing details I will sum it up with one word.....HAT! That's utter defeat, I put a hat on my head and headed to grocery store. Feeling exhausted (and it was only 10 am), lonely (is it this difficult for other people?), trying to figure out why this was the highlight of our day (meaning...this was the only thing on our agenda), I became suddenly aware of my surroundings. I think I saw at least three other moms trying to hide their non-made up face, dark circled eyes, look of surrender.....with a hat! How refreshing it was, in that moment, to realize that I was not alone. No words, no communication was needed to see that. It was simply stepping outside of my own world....and paying attention.

Being a Mommy, especially a stay-at-home Mommy, is tough business. It is definitely not for everyone. And on the days it doesn't even feel like it is for us.....that is why God made HATS!!!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Make Room for the "BUT"

4 months. It has been approximately 4 months since I last wrote on this blog. From the outside looking in, so much about my life has been changed over the course of that time. From the inside looking out, however, everything has changed. My heart and my head have been in a daily battle. "I have been hurting. Life is hard. I don't know who I am anymore. Things aren't going like I hoped they would. I am not happy." etc, etc, etc, whine, whine, whine

And then there was David.

I was sitting on the floor, completely broken, completely humbled, sobbing to Lord. I talk to the Lord often, but am guilty of not seeking Him like I should. Feeling defeated, I reached over, grabbed my roommate's Bible, and opened it to the page that was marked. Psalm 31. As I read the words of David, my heart began to cry with him. I couldn't have written the words in that moment any better.
"....I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning. My strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. .....I have become like broken pottery...."
Can you feel that? I sure could!!! David was hurting. Life was hard. He was clearly not happy. His life was not going as he hoped if would. (....wait for it....)
"I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands."
How much did David get it? He knew how to hurt and hurt well. He was real; he was honest; he wasn't afraid to be transparent. BUT.....he also knew what so many of us forget in the midst of our fears, sorrows, longings.....David knew who to give it to.

I forget so often that I am not the first to cry out to the Lord. I am not the first person he has had to counsel. He does understand, has walked in my shoes, has felt utter despair. And I believe in reminding me of David's words, the Lord was giving me a clear message. "It is time to make a little room in your life....for the BUT."