Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fear

Breathe. Close eyes. Pray. Breathe. Hold...something. Pray. Relax. Motions.....these are the motions that usually take place within me while riding on an airplane. I wasn't always this way. In fact my first plane ride was to Hawaii. That's not exactly what I would call....easing into it. And I remember loving it. My next one....London/Paris.....that is where my the scar on my courage came from. I remember little about it except some of our guy friends holding their hands up on the plane as if we were on a roller coaster ride going up and down. I'm glad that at least they were amused.

I sit here writing this because I'm definitely battling mixed emotions about an upcoming trip. I am getting the opportunity to visit California in a few days. Part of me is ecstatic....a few hours, sitting, no one needing me, not having to make conversation with anyone, someone serving me (even if it is a beverage....heck, I might even go for an adult one), getting lost in a book, maybe even taking a nap. When you put it that way....that airplane ride sounds like the best vacation I have had in a LONG time. But thats just it....it's the longest flight I've been on in years. Can my nerves take it? I know this is silly. I know that people fly every day. I know that it is "safer" than riding in a car. I know, I know, I know...

"So if you're scared, why do it?"
"Because the things you are scared of are usually the most worthwhile. Just a theory."

....and then a line from one of my favorite movies sums it up! I promised myself a long time ago that I would never let my fear keep me from doing anything. So here I go again! Pray for me!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Keys

I sat on the bench, opened the top, placed my fingers on the keys, and closed my eyes. Without a single thought they began to move swiftly over the keys and play the beautiful Cannon in D.

"I can't believe I still remember how to play this and still play it so well after all these years."

And that is when it always happens. As soon as I allow myself to "think" about what I am doing, what keys I need to play next, I find myself stuck. I try to repeat the stanza I had just played, and sometimes I can't even remember that. It's the "thinking" that gets me.....every time. It is not satisfaction, but rather shock when I actually make it through the entire song....flawlessly.

I love the little ways God shows up in my daily life....and ALWAYS gives me a lesson. One would think I might learn something one of these days. A simple moment at the piano brought on today's epiphany on life. Every time I put too much thought into the steps I am taking, I will most assuredly stumble. However, when I simply walk through them, letting go and experiencing rather than thinking, I sometimes even surprise myself!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

"Let Go, Let God"

I have always been a dreamer. Most people say that they cannot remember their dreams, however, I have always been able to. Sometimes I wake from such a deep sleep (usually by a child crying =) ) that I have to sit for a minute to remind myself what is reality. The other morning, however, I awoke with a very clear image in mind. What was so interesting about the dream is that it wasn't a story, adventure, conversation, or anything that usually comes to life in the dream world. It felt more like a message....or maybe I should say "reminder." This picture in my mind was one that I remember so clearly from years ago. In fact, I remember discussing the meaning this image holds with friends in bible studies throughout college: a simple hand, gripping sand.

I like to be control of my world. Have I ever written about being terrified of flying? Well, I'm terrified of flying, and this past summer, I finally figured out why. I have no control of that plane. My job is literally to get in, sit, and let the pilot do his thing. I am putting my life in the hands of someone else. So that fear does not come from being confined in a small place, surrounded by strangers, tens of thousands of feet above the ground.....it comes from the fact that I have to let go and trust someone else with my life. MY LIFE!

So I begin to think about that sand. The things that make up our lives are as countless as the grains of sand we hold within our hands. We cling desperately to what matters to us, innocently believing that if we hold on tight enough, we'll never lose it. Yet we all know that you can't grip sand in your hand without it beginning to slip right through your fingers. When we hold it with open hands, however, palms up, as if we are "giving it away", it stays right where it should.

I think it is a sweet reflection of what God means when He asks us to have faith. He literally asks us to "give" him our lives, our joys, our sorrows, what matters most. This is something I struggle with greatly. I am usually the one holding onto that sand until God finally has to open my hand...and pick it all back up for me. If I would just trust Him to begin with, everything would stay right where it is supposed to be.

Somewhere along my journey I had forgotten about this tangible example of faith and trust. I awoke very in "aw" and very thankful that God never lets us forget His truth. And I am very thankful, that He never forgets me!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Time

"T...i...m...e.... is on your side, yes it is." Why the creepy song from Fallen is going through my head as I begin this post, I do not know. I started thinking today about time and what an interesting concept it is. It is funny what a simple thing as "time" can change. I was driving on the other side of town today. It is amazes me how big our little city feels sometimes. The college is on the complete opposite end of town, and there really aren't many reasons for me to ever go over to that side. When those rare days come, however, I am flooded with sweet memories. I try to convince myself that I am not really that old.....that it was only a few precious years since I graduated...that it wasn't in fact 11 years ago that I began that journey, gained independence, pledged a sorority, and made my lifelong friends. What was I writing....oh yes.....time! So as I was driving an old, familiar home caught my eye. It was nicely painted and appeared now to be some sort of christian fraternity. A few years back though, this was once a place I hung out in often, sitting on the porch with friends, and even busted out some air guitar while jamming to Lifehouse (still lovin' that cd BTW!!). As I continued driving down what used to be simple two lane road filled with many small, rundown houses (which is now a landscaped, 4 lane road, with renovated houses), I began to giggle to myself. On any given day driving down that same street 7 years ago, you may have seen Albert and Ramer sitting on top of their roof, just hanging out, enjoying the day!

I smile when I think of these memories, but what it really made me ponder is how quickly life can change. I can imagine that the faces that now call these houses home cannot begin to know what memories are held within those walls. In only a few short years, so much about them have changed. In a few short years, so much about ME has changed. It's kind of exciting and yet kind of scary, to look in the mirror and know....that in a few MORE short years, so much more of me will have changed. Time is ever moving, but just like these homes, each line, dent, faded piece of me will be a refection of a life well lived with many dear memories stored inside!!!!