Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Redemption Swaddled in Pink!

Lets start with the selfish.
As far back as I can remember the only thing I have ever wanted to be is a mother.  Not just any mother....a mother to little girls.  Oh how I love little girls.  I love their dresses, playing with their hair, how loving they are.  When I taught school, there was just something about having a classroom full of girls.  They were calm, they wanted to learn, they were always willing to help, they loved their teacher.  Even when I went to college and learned to really appreciate my mother, I dreamed of having that same close relationship with my own daughter one day.  And what have I been blessed with (yes, they are still huge, amazing blessings in their own right).....BOYS!  Two beautiful, silly, wild boys.  To say that my head has been spinning for the past 4 years is an understatement.
For anyone that follows my life or my blog, there is no hiding that the past couple of years have definitely been my hardest:  two young children, staying at home for first time, marital stress, heck, martial problems, heart break, building a house, life.  Sure, over the years I have prayed.....and prayed.....and prayed.....but if I'm being honest, maybe it was just to hold on to a small piece of God.  Was I ever really listening?  Was I really even wanting Him to respond?  While the past season of my life has brought with it a flood of different emotions, problems, and grown-up situations to deal with.....it has also brought with it a HUGE helping of grace!
Bring on the GRACE....
A child is a blessing.  I've always believed that.  As much as I've struggled at times over the years with not having a girl, I have felt very honored and special to have been given boys.  There comes great responsibility with each and every child, but my heart grieves the lack of real men in this world anymore.  They seem very few and far between.  I believe the Lord has truly entrusted, not one but two, boys to be brought up as Godly men from us.  What a huge blessing that is.  No pressure!  But oh how my heart has prayed for a little girl.  We found out in January of this year that we were expecting our third child.  It was one that we sat down and prayed for before ever being conceived.  It was one I was not expecting so quickly, especially after the road we have walked down.  It truly has felt like a gift of GRACE!  I'm sharing this story because it is one I want to shout from the rooftops.  It's one I wish the whole world could know, and yet one I want to hold tightly in my heart and never let go of.
Ultrasound day....
Nervous does not begin to encompass what I was feeling the day we went in for our ultrasound.  Tears poured down my cheeks on my way to the doctor as I talked about it with my husband.  Did it really matter....boy or girl....it had to be either, right? =)  But for me it meant so much more.  There was a chance I could have found out a few weeks earlier.  I had gotten all excited and then it didn't happen. I was so discouraged I wanted to pay to go to an ultrasound place and find out early.  Somewhere in my heart, however, I just felt like the Lord was telling me to be patient.  So I was!  And it was hard!  It wasn't until a few days before the ultrasound that I realized the time of year it fell in, down to the week. See, boy or girl, it didn't really matter.  God had blessed us with a baby and there was no denying his hand in that, but did He really care enough to plan each little detail so intricately?  Remember all that praying I said I had been doing....a year and a half's worth???  I've just been wanting to feel God tangibly in my life.  I've been struggling with the realness of His hands directly in our lives and, while I believe He loves us as much as he says....actually FEELING that love.  If it was a boy....then it would have been a beautiful, bouncing, crazy boy that I would have loved with every ounce of my being.  But having a little girl is the deepest desire of my heart and the one thing that I cannot give myself.  In my heart...it could only come from God.  Did He love really love me that much, that deeply, after all my mistakes, after all these up and down years?  Did I deserve that gift?  That was wherein the fear lie and the tears sprung from!
"It's a girl!"  The poor ultrasound lady didn't know what that statement was going to bring forth from me.  I cried on her, my doctor, and pretty much half of the day sharing our joy with friends and family!  I have been overwhelmed by not only God's grace, but His love.  That he is the same God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  He has never left my side or turned away.  He has never NOT been there, NOT loved me, NOT been reaching out to me.
Maybe it didn't take having a girl to "confirm" those things....but it took this special gift for them to be undeniably, tangibly true in my life.  None of us are perfect......and maybe its the mistakes we make along the way that not only grow our own faith and relationship with Him....but pave the way to making us better, stronger people for our children's sakes.  Either way this child is pretty darn special!!!  I can't wait to see where God takes this family along our journey!