A Beatin' Heart

Yes, I am a self-proclaimed sap...and proud of it! I can't help it...was born with the gene...to feel vastly and love deeply! So I am admitting to the world that I struggle with the concept of love sometimes. I know movies are movies and books are books, and that we can't compare real love to what we discover in stories. However, there is a part of me that is conflicted with that response. I believe that as people, if we are able to be moved enough to not only write stories/movies of such depth, then somewhere, someone has had to "feel" that intensely. In my heart, it can't just be dreamed up. How could the God that has given us the ability to dream so far not also give us the capacity to love just as great? So the purpose of my post.....I have just finished reading Wuthering Heights. I have really enjoyed reading the classics lately. I love finding myself in a different time period, allowing these books to be my eyes into the way life was long before me....

I'll never forget the last time I walked out of my childhood house. I was home from college for the weekend. For whatever reason, my mother and I had been arguing, and I stormed out angry. When it finally hit me that the next time I longed for home I would find myself in another house, my heart completely sank. I sat outside, hiding myself between the one foot wall separating the garage doors, put my head in my hands, and sobbed. I knew, through my immature actions, that this was not the way to leave. My pride, however, kept me from reentering my house. And I left. I left. Those words....that memory...still aches my heart with grief. I think about going back there often, knocking on a stranger's door, explaining who I am. Each time I am in town, I drive by and notice from the outside alone how much it has changed, and decide that I don't want my memories to be clouded by foreign images. When I heard this song, it took me back. I am so thankful that no matter how...

This may come as a complete shock to those who know me well....but I....have become a reader. I think it is my long lost passion. I can't recall why I never liked to read growing up. There is something about being "made" to read that takes the fun right out of it. One of my sweet friends told me about this book. The cover of the book reads, "a modern-day slave, an international art dealer, and the unlikely woman who bound them together." I was truly touched by the true story of Denver Moore and Ron Hall. It amazes me daily the relationships that God can bring together, but even more so, the wisdom that can come from the most unexpected places. The wisdom I am referring to came from a homeless man (Denver), and I wanted to share some of his quotes that stuck with me from the book. I hope that I can carry them with me always and begin viewing the world as he did. "The Word says God put ever star in the heavens and even give ever one of em a name. If...

"She tapped her finger & nothing happened & she thought she had lost her magic, but it had only changed & it took her awhile to figure it out." I love this quote! When I read it for the first time it was like a lightbulb went off within me. I feel like it is the very definition of my life in this season. I have been struggling with identity. Who was I before I had children? When you look in the mirror, hair flowing in all directions, teeth have not been brushed, pajamas still in check, and realize you haven't even eaten today....you start to wonder sometimes if you have lost your magic....lost what made you YOU in the first place. For someone that doesn't handle or accept loss well, I am beginning to see that it is an unavoidable part of our existence, and that it has a funny way of presenting itself sometimes. Whether it be loss of self, loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of life....somewhere in our journey whatever is taken from us leaves us.....

I will probably find myself writing many blog entries about my weekend retreat. There were so many moments that truly touched my heart...and so many times I heard God's whisper. One of those moments came in the form of a girl named April. I sat with her Friday night and listened to her tell all about her path to becoming a Special Education teacher. She told me that it was difficult for her growing up with cerebral palsy and always being treated so different. April wants to be a teacher to help and love children going through experiences she herself faced as a child. Not only that, she works at a camp helping children with disabilities. I was truly touched by her story and her zest for life. She has done more for others in her years than I will probably ever do in my life. April ended up spending most of the weekend with us, and I am pretty she sure thinks I am about as crazy as it gets after our Saturday night of dancing, laughing, and being silly..... ......but as I sto...

"The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." That is the message I am holding in my heart today. I began last weekend a broken mess and walked away, not fully restored, but feeling hopeful once again. A war is not won is one big sweep, but in the small victorious battles. I am learning....that it is all about the battles. Joy on the Journey In the last two years the Lord has blessed me with two beautiful children. And because of these sweet blessings, I have been unable to attend the women's retreats at church. This year...I was out of excuses. Not really feeling a strong desire to attend as well as thinking this was going to be a fun, light weekend of conversation.....I set out on the road to Dickson. My heart has been heavy for a while now....heavy with life, responsibilities, loss of identity. Somewhere along this journey I have found myself living in the existence that this was as good as it gets....and I have not been satisfied. So when I walked...