Not Home Yet

I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I love to be silly and play games. I love my friends. I love deep conversations and investing in other people. I love giving and helping others. I love my kids and find joy in their smiles, laughs, hugs. I enjoy life. And some days, every part of me hurts.
December 21, 2010

Well over a year ago these were the words and emotions that overflowed so easily from me.  As I sat on my back porch today looking up at the sky I thought to myself how different of a place I am in now. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet I can so easily close my eyes and remember what that "lifetime" felt like.

I recently read in one of my studies that 'every kind of season and weather you experience has had to pass through God's fingers before coming into contact with you.'  On one hand that is such a refreshing blessing.  It provides a glimpse of hope that we are truly not the one in control of our lives.  It reassures that He knows the deepest inner workings of who we are, what our hearts long for, why we choose what we do.  His eyes are on our paths before we ever take that first step.  On the other hand that is such a hard concept for me to grasp.  In those moments, in those 'seasons,' it can feel very lonely.  Even after they have passed you can find yourself questioning where God was, why He set that particular path in front of you, or, as my mom always says....why He allows you to travel some of the roads you have taken, especially if the end result is heartache. The study goes on to say that, "It's all been divinely designed to surround you with the conditions that allow your unique gifts and abilities to reach maximum potential.  To grow.  To yield.  To produce."

Divinely designed.  Do I agree with that statement?  Do I believe it?  Yes, I think that I truly do, or at least I really want to.  I'm just not sure that I can say that I've come full circle with it yet.  While the past year has brought many moments of growth, at times, much joy, undeserved blessing, abundant chances to strive to be better for not only myself but others, I'm just not sure I'm "yielding" or "producing" anything.  I still often find myself on that back porch praying, questioning, yearning to know and understand.  

The only thing that gives me hope is that I'm not HOME yet.  We were created for something much bigger than ourselves.....that all the steps we take, whether right or wrong, whether joyful or painful.....are divinely intertwind so that we can find our way back to Him.  It's those days when I find myself looking inward that my outside begins to crumble.  That's when the clouds begin rolling into my "view."  That's when I start looking back rather than forward.  And.......that's when I have to remind myself of this all over again!

Building 429 - Where I Belong (Official Music Video) from building-429 on GodTube.


  1. Love this post, Laura. I think we all can relate to your feelings and yet it's so comforting to know that God is in control, that He has a perfect plan, that He is always good. Knowing those things gives me such hope when I'm walking through the wilderness and don't know where He is or why He has put me there. He knows and there IS a reason, even if I don't see it. I love you!


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