Thursday, April 26, 2012

Hope

Today started as it usually does on a school day:  boys wrestling in my room, tv on, me in front of the mirror trying to put myself together as best I can for a tired mommy who overslept, scrounging to get out the door....not on time....but acceptably late.  For just the slightest moment, looking at my own growing belly in the mirror, my mind began wandering to a sweet friend of mine, a friend who has been struggling to get pregnant for quite a while now.  I began to pray for her and her heart, for strength, for faith, for peace in the waiting, for continued hope.

HOPE.

The last conversation I had with her felt withdrawn, empty.  I asked if we, our study, could continue to pray for baby and she brushed by it with a quick response, "You can, but I'm not.  I'm over it."

HOPE.

Hope is the easiest thing in the world, and yet sometimes, the most difficult.  Through a trying few years, prayers that still linger unanswered, continually watching her friends become mommies again and again, her heart draining of the ability to feel anything......I could see that hope slipping away.  I think of how difficult circumstances can change us, how deep heartache can literally feel as though we have been torn a part from the inside out.

And then I think about my kids.  Even the smallest bump or bruise sends them running to Mommy's arms.  I can't tell you how many times daily that my youngest runs up to me in tears, asks me to kiss his boo boo, and then stops crying and goes back to what he's doing.  Just the knowing that Mommy is there and cares that he is hurt, even in the smallest way, makes everything better.

Isn't it true with God?  From our smallest to our biggest hurt.....don't we just want Him to know and feel He is with us?  I think when we find ourselves in situations where we are running to Him and can't find Him....that's when our world begins to crash, our hearts become a little more empty, and our faith a little smaller.  I have walked in my friend's shoes.  I have run in circles crying out for the Lord.....just to "kiss" my pain and let Him hold me in His arms.  I've had to wait on answers that still haven't come full circle.  I've had to keep moving forward, even when some days I wanted only to sit and be still.  But somewhere I have to believe that God is there, He is listening.  I have to have HOPE that no matter what we walk through, He's waiting on the other side and there is a purpose beyond what we can even comprehend.  Because if we lose HOPE.....then what do we have to hold on to?  What do we have to believe in?

So I will continue to pray for my friend....for her deepest desires to be met, for God to hold her in His arms and be a presence in her life during this time, and that her HOPE will not be faltered in the waiting.  And then.....I'll pray this exact same prayer for many others, including myself.  Our "longings," our "wilderness," our "heartaches," may look different than another's....but within those moments, aren't we all just really searching for the same thing?

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