Lessons Learned Through Our Children

If I could paint a picture of this week it would be one of confusion, frustration, sadness, and tears.  To say it has been a tough few days is a bit of an understatement. My oldest child, technically able to start Kindergarten although he doesn't turn 5 until next week, has started Kindgarten Readiness.  It is program offered for those late birthday kids who can have a more relaxed, stress free learning experience while still getting adjusted to big school.  I knew it would be a challenge, as anything new usually is for my Baker, but I never dreamed it would have been like this.  After a week of school we have experienced sleepless nights, not eating well, crying hysterically begging not to go, irrational anxiety and fears...just to name a few.  It's one thing to see your child struggle, but when you see it completely affecting every area of his life and not know what to do but hold on tight and just keep loving him....it is a very helpless feeling as a mother.

After one of the toughest mornings of dropping him off, I came home and tried to get ready for the day....and I just....couldn't.  I felt so worn down. So I simply sat on the edge of the tub, began praying for my child, and just cried to the Lord (sobbed could be a better term). "Lord, I know that this is the best thing for him, but it is killing me watching him struggle so.  It is literally tearing out my heart to watch his heart hurt so badly......"

And that's when a memory came back into my mind.  Over a year ago, in that same bathroom, in that same place, having one of those days that just made doing the smallest task of getting ready feel too much to bare, I sat and sobbed to the Lord.  My heart was hurting. I was sad, confused, uniquely broken.  As I began to remember this...and quickly push the thought aside as I try to do these days....it is almost as if I felt the Lord whispering...."Don't you see now how I felt during that time of your life?  I knew it was best for you, but it broke me...tore my heart out.... to see you hurting. And all I could do was love you through it."

To know the depths of my own heart for my sweet child....and to know that God could possibly love me not only just as much but more....is almost unfathomable.  To think that He was up in heaven crying for me because He couldn't bare to see my own hurting was a concept I never would have believed or even been able to grasp until it became so real and so personal within my own life.

Does it make this time easier? No. Does it make me stronger? Probably not. But it humbles me in a way I have never been humbled before. It draws me to His presence and helps me find rest. It makes Him more real and smaller....in a good way....than I have ever perceived Him before. And it helps me "come to Him" in moments, days, weeks such as these.
"Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of earth’s sorrows, into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee."


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Goodbye 2010

As I sit and look back on the past year of this blog, it is funny the thoughts that come to mind. I can literally remember every post and the purpose behind each writing....which, in itself, brings both joy and pain. 2010 has been one the best and most difficult years that I have ever walked through. Rereading my posts, however, I see a clear picture of "me" in them. Each one is spun with a happy ending, an encouraging thought, maybe even an insightful epiphany. It makes me wonder why I do that, why I write that way. And that is when it hit me....it isn't that IT IS always happy, encouraging, or insightful, but I write with hope...hope that it can be. So it is with hope that I say goodbye to 2010 and look forward to 2011. Hope that I will take the lessons God has given me this year and make me stronger, better, and brighter for the years to come. Just a few things I've learned this year (in no particular order): *I am a social person. I love people. I love to...
Read more

My Everest

There is a Thanksgiving episode of Friends where Joey convinces Monica to make a turkey even though no one else is eating it that year. Joey swears that if she will cook it, he will eat the whole thing. You see a shot of Joey, looking stuffed, sitting behind a turkey that looks completely eaten...until he turns it around and reveals the other side had not been touched. His famous quote (at least in our household)....."You are my Everest." While I have been able to jokingly use that line in many different circumstances, it proves itself most true when it comes to running. I am NOT a runner by nature. I can remember walking all of my miles in gym class with the teacher yelling for me to hurry up. I am admittedly not an athlete (I mean, come on, who has time for that? I was too busy being social!). And honestly, I just can't do it! I have never had the lungs, never had the strength, and piled behind all of those excuses, I have never had the desire. In the past two ...
Read more

Holy HATS!!!

It is that time of the week again, or if you are lucky you've allowed two weeks in between....the dreaded grocery visit. If you are a stay at home mom you have both a love-hate relationship with this store. You walk aimlessly down the isles, thankful, one, to at least be out of the house and, two, for remembering to make that list before you left. As if you can actually remember what you need once you enter this endless land of (crying, screams, grabbing things off the shelves) food items! You usually allow yourself 30 seconds to think, "Do I dare enter empty handed? I mean...my children are EXPECTED to behave a certain way." And once that ridiculous thought passes, you reach for the....sucker, goldfish....basically anything that will provide you with a few minutes of concentration on what you are actually there to do. If you can relate to this at all, then most likely you can probably relate to the events that occurred BEFORE leaving the house. While sparing det...
Read more