A Beatin' Heart

Today started as it usually does on a school day:  boys wrestling in my room, tv on, me in front of the mirror trying to put myself together as best I can for a tired mommy who overslept, scrounging to get out the door....not on time....but acceptably late.  For just the slightest moment, looking at my own growing belly in the mirror, my mind began wandering to a sweet friend of mine, a friend who has been struggling to get pregnant for quite a while now.  I began to pray for her and her heart, for strength, for faith, for peace in the waiting, for continued hope. HOPE. The last conversation I had with her felt withdrawn, empty.  I asked if we, our study, could continue to pray for baby and she brushed by it with a quick response, "You can, but I'm not.  I'm over it." HOPE. Hope is the easiest thing in the world, and yet sometimes, the most difficult.  Through a trying few years, prayers that still linger unanswered, continually watching her friends...

I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I love to be silly and play games. I love my friends. I love deep conversations and investing in other people. I love giving and helping others. I love my kids and find joy in their smiles, laughs, hugs. I enjoy life. And some days, every part of me hurts. December 21, 2010 Well over a year ago these were the words and emotions that overflowed so easily from me.  As I sat on my back porch today looking up at the sky I thought to myself how different of a place I am in now. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet I can so easily close my eyes and remember what that "lifetime" felt like. I recently read in one of my studies that 'every kind of season and weather you experience has had to pass through God's fingers before coming into contact with you.'  On one hand that is such a refreshing blessing.  It provides a glimpse of hope that we are truly not the one in control of our lives.  It reassures that He knows the deepest ...

Wow. It has been a long time since I have written a post. I would love to have many reasons (excuses) for that, but the truth is....I just haven't. I talk...a lot. And the past few months left me realizing that I have talked my way in circles with God for so long now that I have put Him in a bubble that seems to fit my way of thinking/believing/maybe even hoping. So I finally stopped talking, stopped writing, and just started listening. The past few months have been ones filled with prayers, anticipation, anxiety (in a sense), but really just living, loving, listening......not trying to pick God a part or place Him into a mold I created.....or from another perspective....trying to understand Him and why He doesn't fit into, well, any mold. I've just been sitting back....and letting Him speak and change my heart.....and He has been! Today, however, is a day I want to capture in my memory and hold on to it. Today is a day that God helped me declutter the "planks...

As I take a moment to stop and reflect on this day.....this day of thankfulness.....I begin to wonder what I have been thankful for in years past. It seems that each year brings with it a new set of joys, adventures, and even challenges. This particular season of life has left me more in a place of seeking, asking, questioning rather than thanking. A dear friend called me about a month ago and prefaced the conversation with, "I know this may feel a little uncomfortable, but I was just wondering if you would allow me to come to your home and pray for you tonight." What a sweet, sweet blessing this was to me. As we sat together that night I began talking....as I so easily do....about life, pondering the thought of my own direction. Had I made my own choices in this life, had I gotten myself to the point I am now, or has God really directed each step and intricately chosen each road for me to travel down? As tears fell from my eyes, she looked at me and reminded me of thi...

....begins with a prayer. Last year my husband took part in a 12 man relay race from Chattanooga to Nashville. He enjoyed it so much that in January of this year he "somehow" compelled me to be a part of this madness. At that time my thought was centered around the fact that I had ten months to train. Over time, the months began slipping by with no progress in sight. Sure, I could fill you with plenty of excuses, but I won't do that (4 months of strep throat, 2 children's tonsillectomies, went to New York, Destin, and Haiti, had three months of severe back problems...to name a few)! Needless to say....I wasn't ready. Overconfident and Undertrained! This was the name of a fellow team and I immediately loved it! I should have written it on my shirt as it was probably more fitting for me than it was them. I didn't have a lot going for me in the running department, but what I was completely aware of is that I would not get anything done by my own strength ...

There is only one word to describe a day like today....monsoon. Fortunately, I had five precious hours to myself. Unfortunately, I had a lot to do with no escape from the rain. Even though I live in the same (small) town of the school I attended, it is a rare opportunity for me to get to revisit those old stomping grounds. My errands led me that direction today, allowing two things to constantly play on my thoughts: college and God. Oh how I miss college. I miss the friendships, football games, late nights, alone time, freedom, adventures. But most of all....I miss God and the newness of our relationship. I had always grown up believing, but college...that's where He became real to me. I remember the hours I would spend reading my bible; the deep conversations I'd have with friends inviting new perspectives; the days I'd pick up lunch and drive to the duck pond to have "lunch with God." I felt Him. He spoke and I heard. Whether it was a friend's ki...

Last night I saw a movie where the actress reminded me a lot of myself. She fell hopelessly into her romantic movies, quoted her favorite lines, believed in the existence of love as it was in the movies, even wished her story was like a movie. It made me smile because that, guiltily, is me. I melt at a good movie. I cry my way through a heartfelt book. I quote the sappy lines! I know it's silly, but I've always believed that if someone could write a book or movie with such depth....then somewhere, sometime, somebody had to at one point feel that emotion. Right? Well, honestly...who knows if I'm right. Pondering later on the movie reminded me of an email that took place a few weeks ago with my husband. As much as I wish I could say he talked to me like this all the time (moment to laugh out loud), there was a specific reason this conversation arose. Nevertheless, it still brought tears to my eyes. Here is a piece of what he wrote to me: You are a beautiful woman. ...