A Beatin' Heart

Blog?  What's a blog?  Seriously, is anyone doing that anymore?  Well, clearly not me as it has been approximately 2 years since writing….anything.  In a world of acronyms, tweets, hashtags, etc I honestly wonder if I'm even capable of forming an intelligible, well thought out, complete sentence anymore.  Hmmm…..shall I try? I've been a stay at home mom for almost 6 years.  How in the world did that happen?  I have stayed at home precisely one year longer than I taught school.  I probably wouldn't want my child in "my" classroom if I ever go back.  Can you say, starting over????  Well, let's not get carried away with that thought….go back to work….ha!  With my adorable mess of a two year old still sleeping soundly in her bed at 8:30 this morning, I think I can assuredly say, "I'm good." =) No, but seriously, maybe that is the exact reason I have found myself sitting here, thinking, writing, today.  For a lot of years I...

If I could paint a picture of this week it would be one of confusion, frustration, sadness, and tears.  To say it has been a tough few days is a bit of an understatement. My oldest child, technically able to start Kindergarten although he doesn't turn 5 until next week, has started Kindgarten Readiness.  It is program offered for those late birthday kids who can have a more relaxed, stress free learning experience while still getting adjusted to big school.  I knew it would be a challenge, as anything new usually is for my Baker, but I never dreamed it would have been like this.  After a week of school we have experienced sleepless nights, not eating well, crying hysterically begging not to go, irrational anxiety and fears...just to name a few.  It's one thing to see your child struggle, but when you see it completely affecting every area of his life and not know what to do but hold on tight and just keep loving him....it is a very helpless feeling as a mother. ...

Lets start with the selfish. As far back as I can remember the only thing I have ever wanted to be is a mother.  Not just any mother....a mother to little girls.  Oh how I love little girls.  I love their dresses, playing with their hair, how loving they are.  When I taught school, there was just something about having a classroom full of girls.  They were calm, they wanted to learn, they were always willing to help, they loved their teacher.  Even when I went to college and learned to really appreciate my mother, I dreamed of having that same close relationship with my own daughter one day.  And what have I been blessed with (yes, they are still huge, amazing blessings in their own right).....BOYS!  Two beautiful, silly, wild boys.  To say that my head has been spinning for the past 4 years is an understatement. For anyone that follows my life or my blog, there is no hiding that the past couple of years have definitely been my hardest: ...

Today started as it usually does on a school day:  boys wrestling in my room, tv on, me in front of the mirror trying to put myself together as best I can for a tired mommy who overslept, scrounging to get out the door....not on time....but acceptably late.  For just the slightest moment, looking at my own growing belly in the mirror, my mind began wandering to a sweet friend of mine, a friend who has been struggling to get pregnant for quite a while now.  I began to pray for her and her heart, for strength, for faith, for peace in the waiting, for continued hope. HOPE. The last conversation I had with her felt withdrawn, empty.  I asked if we, our study, could continue to pray for baby and she brushed by it with a quick response, "You can, but I'm not.  I'm over it." HOPE. Hope is the easiest thing in the world, and yet sometimes, the most difficult.  Through a trying few years, prayers that still linger unanswered, continually watching her friends...

I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I love to be silly and play games. I love my friends. I love deep conversations and investing in other people. I love giving and helping others. I love my kids and find joy in their smiles, laughs, hugs. I enjoy life. And some days, every part of me hurts. December 21, 2010 Well over a year ago these were the words and emotions that overflowed so easily from me.  As I sat on my back porch today looking up at the sky I thought to myself how different of a place I am in now. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet I can so easily close my eyes and remember what that "lifetime" felt like. I recently read in one of my studies that 'every kind of season and weather you experience has had to pass through God's fingers before coming into contact with you.'  On one hand that is such a refreshing blessing.  It provides a glimpse of hope that we are truly not the one in control of our lives.  It reassures that He knows the deepest ...

Wow. It has been a long time since I have written a post. I would love to have many reasons (excuses) for that, but the truth is....I just haven't. I talk...a lot. And the past few months left me realizing that I have talked my way in circles with God for so long now that I have put Him in a bubble that seems to fit my way of thinking/believing/maybe even hoping. So I finally stopped talking, stopped writing, and just started listening. The past few months have been ones filled with prayers, anticipation, anxiety (in a sense), but really just living, loving, listening......not trying to pick God a part or place Him into a mold I created.....or from another perspective....trying to understand Him and why He doesn't fit into, well, any mold. I've just been sitting back....and letting Him speak and change my heart.....and He has been! Today, however, is a day I want to capture in my memory and hold on to it. Today is a day that God helped me declutter the "planks...

As I take a moment to stop and reflect on this day.....this day of thankfulness.....I begin to wonder what I have been thankful for in years past. It seems that each year brings with it a new set of joys, adventures, and even challenges. This particular season of life has left me more in a place of seeking, asking, questioning rather than thanking. A dear friend called me about a month ago and prefaced the conversation with, "I know this may feel a little uncomfortable, but I was just wondering if you would allow me to come to your home and pray for you tonight." What a sweet, sweet blessing this was to me. As we sat together that night I began talking....as I so easily do....about life, pondering the thought of my own direction. Had I made my own choices in this life, had I gotten myself to the point I am now, or has God really directed each step and intricately chosen each road for me to travel down? As tears fell from my eyes, she looked at me and reminded me of thi...

....begins with a prayer. Last year my husband took part in a 12 man relay race from Chattanooga to Nashville. He enjoyed it so much that in January of this year he "somehow" compelled me to be a part of this madness. At that time my thought was centered around the fact that I had ten months to train. Over time, the months began slipping by with no progress in sight. Sure, I could fill you with plenty of excuses, but I won't do that (4 months of strep throat, 2 children's tonsillectomies, went to New York, Destin, and Haiti, had three months of severe back problems...to name a few)! Needless to say....I wasn't ready. Overconfident and Undertrained! This was the name of a fellow team and I immediately loved it! I should have written it on my shirt as it was probably more fitting for me than it was them. I didn't have a lot going for me in the running department, but what I was completely aware of is that I would not get anything done by my own strength ...

There is only one word to describe a day like today....monsoon. Fortunately, I had five precious hours to myself. Unfortunately, I had a lot to do with no escape from the rain. Even though I live in the same (small) town of the school I attended, it is a rare opportunity for me to get to revisit those old stomping grounds. My errands led me that direction today, allowing two things to constantly play on my thoughts: college and God. Oh how I miss college. I miss the friendships, football games, late nights, alone time, freedom, adventures. But most of all....I miss God and the newness of our relationship. I had always grown up believing, but college...that's where He became real to me. I remember the hours I would spend reading my bible; the deep conversations I'd have with friends inviting new perspectives; the days I'd pick up lunch and drive to the duck pond to have "lunch with God." I felt Him. He spoke and I heard. Whether it was a friend's ki...

Last night I saw a movie where the actress reminded me a lot of myself. She fell hopelessly into her romantic movies, quoted her favorite lines, believed in the existence of love as it was in the movies, even wished her story was like a movie. It made me smile because that, guiltily, is me. I melt at a good movie. I cry my way through a heartfelt book. I quote the sappy lines! I know it's silly, but I've always believed that if someone could write a book or movie with such depth....then somewhere, sometime, somebody had to at one point feel that emotion. Right? Well, honestly...who knows if I'm right. Pondering later on the movie reminded me of an email that took place a few weeks ago with my husband. As much as I wish I could say he talked to me like this all the time (moment to laugh out loud), there was a specific reason this conversation arose. Nevertheless, it still brought tears to my eyes. Here is a piece of what he wrote to me: You are a beautiful woman. ...

I just found this post in my "drafts." I'm not sure why I never posted it after coming home from Haiti. Maybe I wanted to expand on the inner workings of my heart. Either way, here it stayed, tucked away in a folder, maybe for a day such as today. I knew coming back to the real world would be hard. If I'm being honest, being in Haiti was the most free I have felt in a long time. I was free to be that girl I used to know....the Laura who could talk to anyone and spend hours doing so. The girl who was tied to no other responsibilities but loving on other people, laughing, playing games, working hard but finding joy in every part of it. The girl that could be silly, engaging, intentional. That was the Laura that was in Haiti.....and yet coming home, back to reality, to bills, to responsibilities, to being a mom, to tough relationships, to lists of things to do, and back to having as many failures as successes with all those things I just listed.......slowly made God beco...

I often wonder if it is just me who can find a lesson in almost everything....or if it is God who is actually trying to teach me a lesson in almost everything. If I were a bettin' (wo)man, I would go would the latter. You know when you just wake up to one of those days: bad mood, mad at the world, lacking joy??!! Well this is how my two year old woke up the other day. Fresh out of bed, changing his diaper, he sternly says, "I don't like anything!!!" "Why," I ask? "Because.....I don't like anything!!!" And there you have it.....truth and honesty from the mouth of a two year old. For his sweet, little heart, it was just going to be one of those days. Isn't it a little sad how early in life we develop the "grumps?" I mean, how hard is life at 2? Nap time rolls around....and that cute, curly headed mess still just wasn't happy.....but oh so sleepy! No matter what I did, he screamed hysterical. He wasn't sick, he wasn...

When I say I left my heart in Haiti, I really did. It's funny how one small thing can change your life forever. That was what it was like for me on our last day in Haiti. We were supposed to go to one more orphanage on our way to the airport. Traveling through Port-au-Prince, however, we hit lots of standstill traffic. I can admit that I was tired and my energy level was pretty low. I remember thinking....if we don't have time to go to the last orphanage than that is okay with me. I sit here now thinking about the wonderful opportunity I would have missed out on simply by being tired. From the moment I stepped off the bus, this little girl grabbed my hand and stood hugging me. I discovered quickly that regardless the language barrier, you could determine pretty quickly the personality of the children. Most of them were excited, full of energy, funny, TROUBLE =), kind. This little girl had such a sweet heart. She was so loving, calm, and patient when other kids were...

Of all the things I can say about Haiti, nothing comes close to the heart of the children. Their eyes gleamed of INNOCENCE, HOPE, and PURE JOY. I would say that most of our time was spent with children, whether it was at the work site or the orphanage. The labor work of the trip was spent building a school/church. You can see that right now they are studying each day under a tent....a loud (open classrooms side by side), distracting (from the workers), dirty, hot tent. I think back to my years of teaching and wonder what my professors would say about the ability to retain information in this type of setting. When the children would have a break during school, we would get the opportunity to play with them. I have mentioned that language is, obviously, a barrier, but it is amazing how quickly those walls are taken down in things as simple as a smile, a high five, a fist bump, a hug. They loved our presence among them and pulled us immediately into hand slap games, jump rope, socc...

Don't let these smiling, happy faces fool you! While we were both smiling and happy, it was one of relief rather than excitement! We planned for Cholera. We planned for Malaria. We planned for Typhoid. We planned for Hepatitis A and B. We planned for stomach issues, what clothes to pack, making sure we had plenty of germX. But there are just some things you cannot plan for! It just wouldn't be fitting to talk about Haiti and all the wonderful things we've witnessed without giving a shout out to our near death experience....or maybe I should say "surviving" our near death experience.We traveled by school bus everywhere. On Sunday, we went up a very muddy, rocky road to get to the church on the mountain. I was actually taking a picture, blurry as it may be, of all of the trash that was just piled and piled over this cliff. I had no idea that within minutes it could have been the site our potential death! Ok, that may be a little exaggerated, but it was to...

Our first full day in Haiti was Sunday. The compound where we were staying was a part of a big church with many members. We were not able to attend the entire church service, as they are usually 2-3 hours long in Haiti, however we did get to experience a small piece of it. I have witnessed poverty before, but never in such extremities. It's everywhere, all encompassing....but in the midst of it is a sense of pride that I have never seen. The Haitians have an appreciation, not only for church, but for coming and worshiping God that is rare. I watched as hundreds of men, women, and children came to church dressed in their Sunday best. All of the men were in suits, and no matter the heat, they did not remove their coats. The women were all in fancy dresses as well as the children. From the outside looking in, you would not know they were in such meager conditions. What impacted me the most, however, was gazing out of our bedroom window (remember....the open air rooms=) ) and w...

Humbled is a word that is going to be making its appearance in EVERY one of my blog posts, but I'm not going to pretend that fell short of appearances! I....yes me....was the one who actually brought a hair dryer on this trip! Well ladies...it was a cruel joke. The humidity was so bad that drying actually made it worse! And makeup, well, other than a little around the eyes, the rest of it just made my face "gleam" with sweat even more! So....natural was my best look down in Haiti. Yes....I can shamefully admit that it took me a day or two to come to terms with this fact.....but again, I was humbled! God didn't stop short of breaking me of all of my dependencies in Haiti....and I couldn't be more thankful for that! Oh...and hats! I was thankful for hats!!!!

Wow. As I mentioned this on our Watson Warriors blog, it is almost amusing reading my "pre-trip" posts. I honesty just had no idea. God did provide an opportunity...a huge one.....but I think it changed me more than I ever could have imagined. So much encompassed this trip that it is simply too difficult to summarize all that I experienced in one sitting. So, I will probably be blogging a lot this week trying to share the different aspects of our trip. Stay Tuned!!! Haiti....First Impressions I remember the thoughts going through my head when we began flying into Haiti. Even from the plane you could see the poverished state of this country: dirty water flowing into the oceans, small cement huts, tents, trash. It in itself began to stir the emotion of fear before ever getting off the plane. The airport did not settle that feeling. When we got off the plane we were taken by bus to what can only be described as a warehouse (aka Customs). It was definitely unlike anythi...

Over the past few months, I have prayed many prayers.....for "time" with God, for solitude, for perspective on what really matters in life, for finding who God made me to really be, for daily strength, for help, for ways to reach out to others, for friendships, for my faith to grow. In so many ways I keep turning my eyes to God and waiting for Him to "zap" me with all of these things. Wouldn't it be nice if it was just that simple? But what I am realizing is that God has and is still answering my prayers....by giving me an opportunity. With MUCH hesitation and MUCH resistance, God has provided the fuel, the funds, and the fellowship to take me to Haiti. I leave in a few short days for an adventure I have never dared to take. My heart is as excited as it is nervous. Excited for the risk.....having to rely on complete faith that everything will go smoothy. Excited about spending a week totally and completely free of the trivial things of this world. Excite...

Two songs that have been stuck in my head......good lines! "You lift me up when I am weak Your arms wrap around me Your love catches me.....so I’m letting go. You lift me up when I can’t see Your heart is all that I need Your love carries me....so I’m letting go." ~"Lift Me Up" The Afters "I am the thorn in your crown But You love me anyway I am the sweat from Your brow But You love me anyway I am the nail in Your wrist But You love me anyway I am Judas' kiss But You love me anyway See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace And then alone in the night I still call out for You So ashamed of my life, my life, my life." ~"Love Me Anyway" Sidewalk Prophets