A Beatin' Heart

Good and Perfect Gifts...

2011-11-24T21:39:00.004-06:00

As I take a moment to stop and reflect on this day.....this day of thankfulness.....I begin to wonder what I have been thankful for in years past. It seems that each year brings with it a new set of joys, adventures, and even challenges. This particular season of life has left me more in a place of seeking, asking, questioning rather than thanking. A dear friend called me about a month ago and prefaced the conversation with, "I know this may feel a little uncomfortable, but I was just wondering if you would allow me to come to your home and pray for you tonight." What a sweet, sweet blessing this was to me. As we sat together that night I began talking....as I so easily do....about life, pondering the thought of my own direction. Had I made my own choices in this life, had I gotten myself to the point I am now, or has God really directed each step and intricately chosen each road for me to travel down? As tears fell from my eyes, she looked at me and reminded me of this very simple, yet so easily neglected, truth......EVERY GOOD AND PERFECT GIFT COMES FROM THE LORD! So as I think about today, and the many things I can consider blessings in my life, I focus more on that truth...the people, things, and moments that I know without question God had his hand in.

*My husband...for loving me more than I could even imagine, for seeing me in ways I still don't know how to see myself, for teaching me what true grace, faith, and hope look like.

*My boys...for their wonderfully wild personalities, their intoxicating laughs, their loving hearts.

*My mom...for always being my support, my teacher, and my friend. My desire for a little girl stems from the fact that I love her so much that I can't imagine not having "this" with my own daughter someday.

*My family...all of them!!!!

*My friends....oh my friends! I would not be who I am today without them....you know who you are!!!

*My 30th birthday...getting hurt so I could lay in bed all weekend and simply do nothing!!! God knew what I needed more than snowboarding! =)

*Haiti...God teaching me humility, how to love others better, and showing me that He has ALWAYS been there.

*My bible study girls! We've been a strong unit for 6 years now...and I can't imagine walking through this life without them.

*My CG....for the laughs, the tears, the "community," the love that I have for such special friends. Another group now 6 years strong!!!

*My beautiful new home.

*Ragnar....RUNS WITH A VAN....God teaching me so much about my own heart, my own limited strength, and faith.

*Sand angels, dance parties to Carter's Chord, movies under the stars, spontaneous trips to Chattanooga, cardboard box sledding, bread basket, sledding with my boys, The Brow, the boathouse, a river...

GOOD!

PERFECT!

THANKFUL!

The Journey of 196 Miles....

2011-11-13T15:15:00.005-06:00

....begins with a prayer. Last year my husband took part in a 12 man relay race from Chattanooga to Nashville. He enjoyed it so much that in January of this year he "somehow" compelled me to be a part of this madness. At that time my thought was centered around the fact that I had ten months to train. Over time, the months began slipping by with no progress in sight. Sure, I could fill you with plenty of excuses, but I won't do that (4 months of strep throat, 2 children's tonsillectomies, went to New York, Destin, and Haiti, had three months of severe back problems...to name a few)! Needless to say....I wasn't ready.

Overconfident and Undertrained!

This was the name of a fellow team and I immediately loved it! I should have written it on my shirt as it was probably more fitting for me than it was them. I didn't have a lot going for me in the running department, but what I was completely aware of is that I would not get anything done by my own strength alone. Regardless the excuses I had, the one thing I knew for sure is that God brought me to this moment and so my prayer slowly turned from "please Lord help me get through this" to "please Lord allow my heart and mind to be open to everything you wanted me to get from this experience."

I was definitely the grandma of the team....for sure not in spirit, just in running. But what I loved about our team, is that it didn't matter. We were a "team" in every sense of the word. It didn't matter how we did, just that we did our best. My first leg, the last leg of the girl van before the guys took over, was my favorite by far. They guys had come out to cheer me on. So about every mile of my 4.5 run I was met by either the guys or the girls cheering me on. A friend, James, even ran me in the last few steps to hand off to the guys! My second leg was only 1.6 miles. I was looking forward to this one from the beginning of the race because it was so short. I wasn't prepared for the dark, loneliness, chilling cold, and gradual uphill the entire way. It was however my best time. And then there was leg 3....another 4.5 miles. I can honestly say that I was done. My first leg was fueled by the cheering of my team. The second was driven by sheer determination. The third was where I was reminded of why I was running this race to begin with. So I began to pray....

"Lord God, we've made it through much tougher things this year than a measly little 4.5 miles. I'm here. You brought me here. This is all about you. Anything I have accomplished or will accomplish is by your strength. Let's do this...together!"

I set my music to "my" song, let the words soak in....."You lift me up, when I am weak, your arms wrap around me, your love carries me so I'm letting go...", and started running. I probably looked silly at times running with my eyes closed and arms lifted to the sky....but this run was never about me. This race was never about me. It allowing God to work something good within my own heart and life in this moment! It was about Him reminding me that He is always right there with me and that with Him, I can get through anything!

The third leg of the girls van was spent running in the early morning hours among the cold, darkness, and fog. Although when it was time for me to run....the sun came out, the heat started pushing through (causing me to strip off layers on the side of the road), and I was not only given a burst of energy, but also joy in this journey. I can definitely say without a doubt that the Lord was with me. I finished.....finally.....with a sigh of relief, a huge smile, and.....just for style.....a little bit of dancin'!!!!!!

Dancing in the Rain

2011-09-07T20:52:00.008-05:00

There is only one word to describe a day like today....monsoon. Fortunately, I had five precious hours to myself. Unfortunately, I had a lot to do with no escape from the rain. Even though I live in the same (small) town of the school I attended, it is a rare opportunity for me to get to revisit those old stomping grounds. My errands led me that direction today, allowing two things to constantly play on my thoughts: college and God.

Oh how I miss college. I miss the friendships, football games, late nights, alone time, freedom, adventures. But most of all....I miss God and the newness of our relationship. I had always grown up believing, but college...that's where He became real to me. I remember the hours I would spend reading my bible; the deep conversations I'd have with friends inviting new perspectives; the days I'd pick up lunch and drive to the duck pond to have "lunch with God." I felt Him. He spoke and I heard. Whether it was a friend's kind word, a note from a roommate, a cross in the sky, a lyric to a song....I saw His message.

Just because God was so prevalent in my life, however, did not mean it was anything close to smooth or perfect. Many of the storms life threw at me then were some of the toughest I have ever faced. It's taken me years, not to understand, but to fully embrace that God allows rain.....monsoons even...to come into our lives. As I was in and out of the rain today, I thought about just that....what it is like being in a storm. It's wet, cold, uncomfortable, irritating, lonely. We seek refuge anywhere we can find it, regardless if it's where we need to be. And our prayers (at least mine) usually take the form of pleading for it to pass by, to get through it. Never have I once prayed for a storm to stay or continue. I hadn't even been challenged to think differently until a few weeks ago. My husband and I were driving home from a friend's pre-release party when a lyric to one of her songs caught me completely off guard:

Oh, but I still don't know how long it'll rain
Till all our fields grow full with ripened faith
Before I go and face my father's graves
Oh I pray, your storms, would stay....
Till it takes what it came for.
(Tanya Godsey)

There are truly no words to captivate what came over me other than feeling as if God was speaking directly to me. It was difficult to fight both tears and chills as I listened to those words over and over again. It wasn't the answer I had hoped for. It wasn't really an answer I had prayed for.....but it was one I needed to hear.

It's been a very tough year for so many reasons. Countless times I have come before the Lord's footstool and simply prayed for understanding, hoping the answer would be presented with a clear reason. For so long God has met that question with silence......I guess he has been busy writing the words on Tanya's heart. Through her melody God wrote this message on mine:

"Laura, I know you don't know how long this time will last, but I do. I'm allowing you to walk through this so that you will grow your faith in me. Please keep trusting and walking with me through this storm and all those to come.....let them do what I sent them to do.....so that I can fulfill my purpose in you. I want to change you, grow you, know you like never before, so that when you reach the end of this life, you will be everything I intended you to be, and you'll be ready to come home to Me."

I guess this realization is just a reminder that "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord [really does] direct his steps." Sometimes the storms come, not to intentionally harm us or bring us pain, but to get our feet moving back in the right direction. We can either lay down and surrender, fight, or learn to dance in it!

I prefer the latter!

Movie Love

2011-08-08T16:18:00.009-05:00

Last night I saw a movie where the actress reminded me a lot of myself. She fell hopelessly into her romantic movies, quoted her favorite lines, believed in the existence of love as it was in the movies, even wished her story was like a movie. It made me smile because that, guiltily, is me. I melt at a good movie. I cry my way through a heartfelt book. I quote the sappy lines! I know it's silly, but I've always believed that if someone could write a book or movie with such depth....then somewhere, sometime, somebody had to at one point feel that emotion. Right? Well, honestly...who knows if I'm right.

Pondering later on the movie reminded me of an email that took place a few weeks ago with my husband. As much as I wish I could say he talked to me like this all the time (moment to laugh out loud), there was a specific reason this conversation arose. Nevertheless, it still brought tears to my eyes. Here is a piece of what he wrote to me:

You are a beautiful woman. Your wit and mischievous pranks are endearing. Your fun personality is a breath of fresh air to the dullness of most people. Your caring and compassion for people and things is contagious. The fact that you cry at everything is so sweet. Your interaction with people is amazing to watch. You can connect with people on many different levels…and really quickly. The things you like to do for fun make you more appealing than 99 percent of the girls I have ever come across. While you do have an amazing heart it is just a fraction of what you makes you so great.

What I realized is that I may not have Prince Charming that puts a slipper on my foot and we ride off into the sunset. Or the man who sets up a flashmob in the middle of Grand Central Station to tell the girl he loves her. I have the story that the movies can't capture. My man doesn't steal the show and then the movie ends. He's the one that keeps on fighting, keeps on whooing, keeps on loving......every day.

I have the movie. Maybe in some way we all do! We're just usually too busy watching the "fake" ones to write our own. I'm going to start working on capturing the big scenes in my own more often.....just so I can put all those Hollywood ones to shame. And I may still throw in a flash mob here or there.....just because....

Remembering Haiti...

2011-07-26T21:59:00.000-05:00

I just found this post in my "drafts." I'm not sure why I never posted it after coming home from Haiti. Maybe I wanted to expand on the inner workings of my heart. Either way, here it stayed, tucked away in a folder, maybe for a day such as today. I knew coming back to the real world would be hard. If I'm being honest, being in Haiti was the most free I have felt in a long time. I was free to be that girl I used to know....the Laura who could talk to anyone and spend hours doing so. The girl who was tied to no other responsibilities but loving on other people, laughing, playing games, working hard but finding joy in every part of it. The girl that could be silly, engaging, intentional. That was the Laura that was in Haiti.....and yet coming home, back to reality, to bills, to responsibilities, to being a mom, to tough relationships, to lists of things to do, and back to having as many failures as successes with all those things I just listed.......slowly made God become smaller again. What I've realized is that it is easy to find God when you have a week away from reality to totally and completely be in his presence. The challenge is seeking Him in the every day....not "finding" Him every day, "seeking" Him. I can't tell you how often I've prayed over the past 8 months to see Him, cried out for help, longing for that natural relationship to transpire....without actually putting the work into it. Finding this post today was a sweet and precious reminder.....of everything that I felt while I was in Haiti....of how on fire I was for the Lord....of how I truly felt my heart change just by going there.....before I let the world start weighing it down again.

Haiti......

You know that feeling you get when you just know you are supposed to do something and you can't put your finger on exactly why or how you know, you just do? Well that was what I experienced back in January. I had known for a while that my heart was pulling towards something, and when the opportunity to go to Haiti presented itself, that feeling appeared! If you know me, then you would know I tried to fight that feeling, telling God that it was too big, my kids are too young, I have too much going on in my life right now, I'm not ready. Yet doors continued to open and the way started paving itself!

Maybe it happened with age. Maybe it began when I started working, providing for myself. Maybe it was the day my first child was born and I became the adult. No matter how it happened, God slowly started becoming smaller and smaller in my life. The bigger I became...the more responsibilities I took on....the more control I tried to seize.....was leaving me empty and emptier!!!! And in January...I had hit a wall. I was tired of living in a comfort zone, tired of seeking MY way, tired of getting by on MY hopes, tired of being let down by MY dreams. So I decided to take a leap of faith, stop fighting, and surrender to that voice in my heart. I signed up to go to Haiti!!!!! Yeeeaaaa, right? Well, that's what I thought.

And then I got sick. For 4 months my three year old and I fought strep throat. My immune system was down and I was just plain tired. In the midst of that I broke my tailbone and have continually struggled with back problems. My heart and body just felt weak....too inadequate to go on a trip such as this. Fear began to creep in.....what if I was wrong? What if I only "thought" God was telling me to go? And worse....what if going doesn't change anything?

I went on to Haiti with one prayer on my heart....."Please Lord show up. Please meet me there." I was needing God to be big....bigger than He had ever been before. And, honestly, I was scared that maybe He wouldn't be....maybe He couldn't be. Boy was I wrong!!!! And not just in a small way.......BIG TIME WRONG! God left whatever funk and junk I was bringing in my heart on that plane!!!

It has been extremely difficult to put into words exactly what I experienced on that trip. What I can say is that in the midst of all my struggles, all my doubts, all my fears that God may not be the "enough" I needed....He surpassed them. He didn't just speak to me on this trip....he was present, all around, everywhere I looked, in everything we did. For one week I was able to serve as God's hands and feet to others. And that moment....that small piece of time....was greater than any junk that may have been clouding my view of Him before going. Haiti was a life changing trip, but more than anything....it has changed my heart. I feel like it is "beatin" in ways it never has before.

A Case of the TERRIBLE TWO'S

2011-07-01T21:00:00.005-05:00

I often wonder if it is just me who can find a lesson in almost everything....or if it is God who is actually trying to teach me a lesson in almost everything. If I were a bettin' (wo)man, I would go would the latter.

You know when you just wake up to one of those days: bad mood, mad at the world, lacking joy??!! Well this is how my two year old woke up the other day.

Fresh out of bed, changing his diaper, he sternly says, "I don't like anything!!!"

"Why," I ask?

"Because.....I don't like anything!!!"

And there you have it.....truth and honesty from the mouth of a two year old. For his sweet, little heart, it was just going to be one of those days. Isn't it a little sad how early in life we develop the "grumps?" I mean, how hard is life at 2?

Nap time rolls around....and that cute, curly headed mess still just wasn't happy.....but oh so sleepy! No matter what I did, he screamed hysterical. He wasn't sick, he wasn't hungry, he wasn't hurt....he was just plain mad! Normally this is where Mommy would be checking her sanity at the door, but instead I just held him in my arms, rocked him, rubbed his hair, and sang to him. Sure, you couldn't have heard me over those high-pitched wails, but all I could do in that moment was love him, let him know I was right there, and that we were going to tackle those "grumps" together.

As I sat their calmly rocking this hysterical child, wondering why I hadn't lost it yet as well, I found myself pondering the thought...."Is this what you do for me, Lord?" When I am having one of "those" days where I am crying, in a terrible mood, mad at everything, maybe even mad at God himself.....does He simply hold me in his arms, rock me, rub my hair, and calm me with His voice....letting me know He loves me, he is right there, and we're going to get through it together?

And.....futhermore.....how often do I miss it because I'm the one doing all the screaming?

Ohhhh.....the lessons. I love the ways God is always giving me, not only insight, but understanding to who He really is and the depth of love He has for me.....even when that wisdom comes packaged in a case of the TERRIBLE TWO'S!

I Left My Heart In Haiti

2011-06-21T16:16:00.004-05:00

When I say I left my heart in Haiti, I really did. It's funny how one small thing can change your life forever. That was what it was like for me on our last day in Haiti. We were supposed to go to one more orphanage on our way to the airport. Traveling through Port-au-Prince, however, we hit lots of standstill traffic. I can admit that I was tired and my energy level was pretty low. I remember thinking....if we don't have time to go to the last orphanage than that is okay with me.

I sit here now thinking about the wonderful opportunity I would have missed out on simply by being tired. From the moment I stepped off the bus, this little girl grabbed my hand and stood hugging me. I discovered quickly that regardless

the language barrier, you could determine pretty quickly the personality of the children. Most of them were excited, full of energy, funny, TROUBLE =), kind. This little girl had such a sweet heart. She was so loving, calm, and patient when other kids were playing a little more eagerly. I remember finding a rock and trying to play tic tac toe with her on the ground. She told me in Creole that she would be right back. When she came back a skit had begun so she sat down beside me, and again, held my hand. I started trying to draw with the rock again and then she showed me that she had gone to get chalk. I remember thinking how precious she was that she waited so patiently for me to be ready to play (it was not always like this with the other children...lol). I fought back tears the entire time I was with her thinking, "How am I going to leave you here?"

I waited all week wondering if there was one child I would instantly bond to. I never dreamed that on my last day I would make such a connection. Her name is Jodelynn and she is 9 years old. Her clothes were dirty, she is lucky to get two meals a day, and she may not always have a bed to sleep on......but she GLOWED in my eyes! I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to meet this little girl. She is written on my heart and I continue to think and pray for her every day!

Mighty to Save

2011-06-16T06:58:00.000-05:00

Of all the things I can say about Haiti, nothing comes close to the heart of the children. Their eyes gleamed of INNOCENCE, HOPE, and PURE JOY.

I would say that most of our time was spent with children, whether it was at the work site or the orphanage. The labor work of the trip was spent building a school/church. You can see that right now they are studying each day under a tent....a loud (open classrooms side by side), distracting (from the workers), dirty, hot tent. I think back to my years of teaching and wonder what my professors would say about the ability to retain information in this type of setting. When the children would have a break during school, we would get the opportunity to play with them. I have mentioned that language is, obviously, a barrier, but it is amazing how quickly those walls are taken down in things as simple as a smile, a high five, a fist bump, a hug. They loved our presence among them and pulled us immediately into hand slap games, jump rope, soccer, and more.

I really enjoyed going to the orphanages as well. The main one we went to was only minutes away from our "home." Sister Mona ran it very well. The kids seemed very happy, almost like a family, and while I feel like they loved having us there to play, I never felt like one of them was ready to go home with us! =) I tend to be more naturally drawn to younger children because it is usually anything goes, easy to please. With older children, the language barrier and shyness made it a little bit more of an effort to connect, or so I believed. I quickly realized that this was a "me" problem and that the older ones wanted just as much attention and love as the little children. So this is where I rediscovered my jump roping skilz....which, admittedly, are nothing to write home about! When my "Around the World" skilz failed me in basketball, jump roping was the next best thing....and a good way for me to laugh, smile, and have fun with some of the older girls at the orphanage.

The last orphanage that we went to on our way to the airport really tugged at my heartstrings. The conditions were not the same. The children's clothes were dirty, there were not enough beds for all of them, some don't even have mattresses, they only get two meals a day. Yet, we pull up in our bus and they are singing to us, "Today is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it." HUMBLED. We couldn't get off the bus fast enough to those children. They were grabbing us left and right, hugging us, holding our hands....and it continued that way until the moment we left. Love!

If I have learned anything on this trip it is about love. Love knows NO COLOR. Love knows NO LANGUAGE. Love knows NO LIMITS. For so long I have lived in the bubble of thinking I don't have much to give or ways to help others....when all they really needed....was to be loved. They didn't care what they were wearing, if they had socks, even underwear, or a bed to sleep on. They didn't care that their jump ropes were falling apart, that their basketball goal had no net, or that their checkerboard pieces were bottle caps. The only thing these children wanted was to be "wanted." They are the living, breathing, tangible proof that God really is MIGHTY TO SAVE!!! He is saving....every day in Haiti He is saving....in the INNOCENCE, HOPE, and PURE JOY of the children!!!

Humbled!

Too Close for Comfort

2011-06-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

Don't let these smiling, happy faces fool you! While we were both smiling and happy, it was one of relief rather than excitement! We planned for Cholera. We planned for Malaria. We planned for Typhoid. We planned for Hepatitis A and B. We planned for stomach issues, what clothes to pack, making sure we had plenty of germX. But there are just some things you cannot plan for!

It just wouldn't be fitting to talk about Haiti and all the wonderful things we've witnessed without giving a shout out to our near death experience....or maybe I should say "surviving" our near death experience.We traveled by school bus everywhere.

On Sunday, we went up a very muddy, rocky road to get to the church on the mountain. I was actually taking a picture, blurry as it may be, of all of the trash that was just piled and piled over this cliff. I had no idea that within minutes it could have been the site our potential death! Ok, that may be a little exaggerated, but it was too close for comfort! As the bus went around this curve/cliff, it was not able to make it up the hill. We went up and down it a few times, before David yelled for us all to get to the back of the bus to give more traction to the back wheels. It wasn't long after that the bus driver yells for us to get to the left side of the bus. The tires were spinning and sinking in the mud, causing it to push the back end of the bus out towards the cliff. I wish I had taken a better picture later on just to show the straight down drop off. The entire time this was going on I kept thinking..."I'm going to just open the back door and jump off of this thing." So the joke has sort of become that Laura had this escape plan brewing the entire time, but failed to let anyone else in on it!

We did finally make it, thankfully, and had a wonderful church service. When we got to the top, however, and the bus driver himself told us that he had been scared too.....well, that was enough of a reason for me to simply walk back down the mountain! So we did!

Worship: Together Is Better!

2011-06-14T11:41:00.000-05:00

Our first full day in Haiti was Sunday. The compound where we were staying was a part of a big church with many members. We were not able to attend the entire church service, as they are usually 2-3 hours long in Haiti, however we did get to experience a small piece of it. I have witnessed poverty before, but never in such extremities. It's everywhere, all encompassing....but in the midst of it is a sense of pride that I have never seen. The Haitians have an appreciation, not only for church, but for coming and worshiping God that is rare.

I watched as hundreds of men, women, and children came to church dressed in their Sunday best. All of the men were in suits, and no matter the heat, they did not remove their coats. The women were all in fancy dresses as well as the children. From the outside looking in, you would not know they were in such meager conditions. What impacted me the most, however, was gazing out of our bedroom window (remember....the open air rooms=) ) and watching the people below walking to church. Just outside we saw all of the men and women paying what little they had to get their shoes shined for church. Some were even carrying their own chairs for the service. The lengths and depths that these people go to for a Sunday service were amazing....HUMBLING. They bring their very best to the Lord each week.

One of my favorite parts of the service was singing the hymns. As the Haitians sang "It Is Well" in Creole, I was able to sing along with them in English. They were so captivating to watch because when they sang, you could literally see their hearts pouring out. They were raising their hands, eyes closed, praising the Lord! PRAISING THE LORD! I looked around at our surroundings, the depth of poverty, and wondered what kind of faith it would take to thank and praise the Lord for circumstances such as theirs. This is the FIRST moment of the trip where I actually "got it." When I looked at them my heart asked "How can you praise the Lord?" When they looked at me their's responded, "How can we not?"

We were taken by bus up a mountain to a smaller church. It was very similar to the larger one. It was a really neat experience because while we were there to see them, learn from them, experience their culture, they treated us like honored guests. You could tell that they seemed very happy to have us and tried really hard to make sure everything went smoothly. Even the children sat through the entire service (2-3 hours) and acted perfectly. We were able to take communion with them, hear their choir perform for the first time, and even got to sing to them. What touched me the most was when we sang "All In All." We sang our song to them in English, and impromptu, they sang it back to us in Creole. It is definitely one thing to "witness" the worship gatherings, but we were able to sit and worship right along side of them. It was a wonderful opportunity I will not forget. As Fellowship always says, "Together is better!"

After church we were greeted by all the children and adults alike. Language is always a barrier, but it was broken quickly by hugs, smiles, and fist bumps!!! Church really made an impression on me and really allowed me to focus back on my own life. How do I prepare for church each week? What do I bring to God's table when I come? But not only that....what do I go home to when it is over? As I sat in the small church on the mountain, I often gazed out the open door and windows to the homes that lined the hillside. I began to wonder what a typical Sunday afternoon was like to these church members. Do they get to nap? Do they have a bed? Where do they hang/keep their nice clothes? How do they get them so clean? (Everywhere you look you saw clothes line drying.) Where do they even buy clothes? (I haven't seen anything that even looks like a store.) It made me think about my lazy Sundays: how I love going to worship, going out to eat, coming home and putting the kids down for a nap (in their own big, separate bedrooms), and crawling in my big, comfortable bed and relaxing. Again.....HUMBLED!

Holy Humidity

2011-06-13T21:14:00.001-05:00

Humbled is a word that is going to be making its appearance in EVERY one of my blog posts, but I'm not going to pretend that fell short of appearances! I....yes me....was the one who actually brought a hair dryer on this trip! Well ladies...it was a cruel joke. The humidity was so bad that drying actually made it worse! And makeup, well, other than a little around the eyes, the rest of it just made my face "gleam" with sweat even more! So....natural was my best look down in Haiti. Yes....I can shamefully admit that it took me a day or two to come to terms with this fact.....but again, I was humbled! God didn't stop short of breaking me of all of my dependencies in Haiti....and I couldn't be more thankful for that! Oh...and hats! I was thankful for hats!!!!

Haiti: First Impressions

2011-06-13T16:21:00.000-05:00

Wow. As I mentioned this on our Watson Warriors blog, it is almost amusing reading my "pre-trip" posts. I honesty just had no idea. God did provide an opportunity...a huge one.....but I think it changed me more than I ever could have imagined. So much encompassed this trip that it is simply too difficult to summarize all that I experienced in one sitting. So, I will probably be blogging a lot this week trying to share the different aspects of our trip. Stay Tuned!!!

Haiti....First Impressions

I remember the thoughts going through my head when we began flying into Haiti. Even from the plane you could see the poverished state of this country: dirty water flowing into the oceans, small cement huts, tents, trash. It in itself began to stir the emotion of fear before ever getting off the plane.

The airport did not settle that feeling. When we got off the plane we were taken by bus to what can only be described as a warehouse (aka Customs). It was definitely unlike anything I had ever experienced...even when we went to Jamaica it felt more official. Our fearless leader, Chad, trusted a nice man and assertively led the way to our bus. We all got comfortable very quickly (packed in!!!). Chad even gave the man a small fortune for his generosity! =)

No picture can adequately describe the conditions of this country. I "knew" we were going to see some hard things, but was reminded very quickly that no matter how prepared you are....you are never really prepared. The overall dirtiness of the country is definitely what struck me first. Trash.....everywhere. Piles and piles and piles!!! Dusty dirty streets. The smell. Animals (goats, pigs, chickens, dogs) walking around. And even amongst all of these things, they sold their produce on the roads. I can understand why the warnings to "not eat anything that you cannot peel" were very enforced. Water was also commonly on the street. You would see the women selling their produce on the road holding brooms, continually pushing the trash that would wash down with the water away from their area. Upon the drive into Haiti, the tent cities and homes were hard to witness. I stared and stared and still could not grasp how people lived in them. Of course, I felt this way about the actual concrete homes as well. Where did sleep? Where did they put their clothes? Where did they prepare their food? Just the "basics" of food, clothing, and shelter were not basics to these people....but delicacies. I soon learned where they used the restroom.....simply on the ground, or if they were lucky....in what we would call a port-a-potty. One group told us of a home they worked in having this type of toilet, except they kept a plastic bowl in it for their (as we say in our home) poo poos. =) This way they could go throw it out and it wouldn't go down into their septic and make the house stink. Can you even imagine this? Only the really well off had actual working toilets/sewage system. If I'm being fair, even the nicest restrooms we used were some that we would hold our noses and not touch anything. This was a huge reality check. Something I have NEVER thought to be thankful for before.....a toilet! Humbled!!!!

I was surprised that our "home" for the week really wasn't that far outside of the city. I still felt like we were right in the middle of everything I mentioned above. Our compound was very nice. It is a church/school building. We stayed on the third floor with cement floors, open air rooms, one toilet for all the girls, and dripping, cold showers. As the days passed, I could not have been more thankful for our facilities. They really were nice and comfortable.....and it definitely became our safe haven, our home. There was one morning I woke up listening to the rain. As I thought to myself how peaceful it was, I was quickly reminded of all the tent homes I had seen, and how the rain was probably anything but peaceful to them. In that moment I thanked God for the cement floor, cement block walls, and roof over my head, realizing that even at our worst here in Haiti, it was still far better than most. Humbled!!!!
To be honest, my first impressions of Haiti were pretty spot on. It is dirty...filthy in fact. The housing, roads, and places of business are not only inadequate but life-threatening. But that is only a small piece of what the country of Haiti contains. It is an "outside" view. Spending a week amongst it I saw kind spirits, hopeful hearts, unfathomable faith. I saw joy and innocence pouring out of children in even the most desperate circumstances. I saw people who thrive when the world says they shouldn't be. I witnessed generosity and thankfulness in a way I have never given or received. I am so blessed that for one week I got to be on the "inside"....and that I got to take this journey with my amazing new friends in the picture above. Humbled!!!!

An Opportunity

2011-06-01T15:53:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months, I have prayed many prayers.....for "time" with God, for solitude, for perspective on what really matters in life, for finding who God made me to really be, for daily strength, for help, for ways to reach out to others, for friendships, for my faith to grow. In so many ways I keep turning my eyes to God and waiting for Him to "zap" me with all of these things. Wouldn't it be nice if it was just that simple? But what I am realizing is that God has and is still answering my prayers....by giving me an opportunity. With MUCH hesitation and MUCH resistance, God has provided the fuel, the funds, and the fellowship to take me to Haiti. I leave in a few short days for an adventure I have never dared to take. My heart is as excited as it is nervous.

Excited for the risk.....having to rely on complete faith that everything will go smoothy.
Excited about spending a week totally and completely free of the trivial things of this world.
Excited about getting to just love on other people.
Excited about getting to spend time with God, and getting the opportunity to see the world as He sees it daily.
Excited about growing relationships among friends.
Excited about getting to know the high school girls....to be a listening ear, an encourager, and a friend.
Excited about where God will take me. I am not going on this trip to change the world. I am going on this trip to change mine.

Nervous about flying....I don't like to fly.
Nervous about getting sick.....it tends to always find me.
Nervous about my kids back home....that they are healthy and safe and don't cause themselves any bodily harm while I'm gone.
Nervous about the lack of communication during the week.

The great thing about opportunities is that they are endless. When we pass on one, another will soon follow. But the question is.....what are we missing with every chance untaken? So as I walk blindly into the next week, I go ready and willing to be taught, grown, even changed. I am so thankful for this given "opportunity," but also for having the courage to seize it!

Good Songs....

2011-06-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

Two songs that have been stuck in my head......good lines!

"You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me.....so I’m letting go.
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me....so I’m letting go."

~"Lift Me Up" The Afters

"I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life."

~"Love Me Anyway" Sidewalk Prophets

Wounded Soldier

2011-05-24T15:25:00.001-05:00

He lays on the ground, paralyzed by pain. He tries to rise, but is instantly grounded. The battle continues around him, yet he hears nothing. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move. It hurts to feel anything other than the piercing stabs of his wounds.

A few weeks back I was reminded of a saying I once heard: "There are no sidelines on a battlefield." That image has always stuck in my head because I felt is was a perfect depiction of the spiritual war that goes on around us every day. I often forget how very REAL that is. Oh, it's clear what team I'm on. I will sport the Jesus jersey on my side of the field, paint some faces, even make up my own chants, but I would definitely say I've never been an aggressive warrior on that battlefield. In all honesty I'm probably more of the All-Star Cheerleader.....a part of the team, cheering them on, trying to make a sideline while I let to tough ones do the real fighting, only getting in the game when the ball is thrown my direction.

The only problem with that scenario.....you have to get in the battle sometime. It's true. There are NO sidelines. No one sits around in their camping chairs, eating the popcorn, socializing with the friends and family, taking score. Fighting is not optional.

I was talking to my husband about this the other night. I was telling him how I have felt like a wounded soldier on that battlefield for so many months now, letting the battle continue on around me. (And let's face it right....the world/battle does continue on. No one calls a "Game Off" just because you've fallen. That would be nice though, wouldn't it?) Being wounded....is not fun. Whether it is a minor scrape or one so deep you can still feel it long after it has healed, being wounded affects us. For so long I feel like I have focused on only the pain....until I decided to change my perspective. Maybe, just maybe, God let's us stay broken in ways we may not expect....like that of a shattered vessel....so that His light can beam through us.

"In life, falling is expected, but getting up is optional."

Laura Story

2011-05-22T16:56:00.001-05:00

The other day I was driving in the car with the kids....excuse being to get lunch, reason being a needed sanity break. Sometimes it takes me getting out of the mess, the closed in walls, the constant destruction the new house takes daily, to catch my breath. So I drove, rolled the windows down, turned the music up, and let my soul breathe. As this particular song (which musically is not quite my taste) came on the radio, I began to reach down and change the station. Something, however, caught my attention.....I did that "thing" I do....and really started listening to the lyrics. That was all it took.

After getting home, eating lunch, and putting my two boys down, I decided to go to the computer to look up the song and really read the lyrics. Before I knew it, I was the only one awake, sitting infront of a computer screen, with tears rolling down my cheeks. Blessings by Laura Story. Laura Story. This song could not have been more "Laura's" story if I had written the words myself. Every line, every word, spoke directly into the place I seem to find myself so often in this season of my life.

Some days I have given all that is in me to give and yet life still demands more. Some days I feel defeated before my feet ever hit the floor. Some days.....I simply wake up and hit the automatic "survival mode" button that I truly believe is programmed into me somewhere.

But "what if?"

"What if?" Those words to me imply a sense of hope. It's not just saying that there will be rain, tears, sleepless nights, trials....it's saying "what if" God is there in the midst of them? "What if" there is a greater reason behind what only we can see?

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears?
And what if a 1000 sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?
And what if the trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?

"What if"......the trials of this life really are HIS mercies in disguise?

Grumbling

2011-05-16T19:36:00.000-05:00

For several months I have been following the blog of a 33 year old mother of three (the third which is now in Heaven) who has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Her story is unbelievable....truly heartbreaking, yet her faith is amazing....intoxicating. I encourage you to read her story and follow her blog.

Her post today, however, is one that has left me in much reflection.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarawalker

Sara brings up the subject of grumbling and wonders if God ever gets angry with all of our "grumbling?" She talks about how she grumbles a lot about how terrible she feels after chemo rather than simply being thankful that God has provided medicine to treat the disease. I think we would all agree that a little grumbling there should be considered ok, right? If you keep reading, however, Sara then reveals the true depths of her heart. As she reads about the Israelites hard journey to the promise land, she compares her grumbling to that of the people complaining over only having mana to eat verses meat. Grumbling over chemo verses grumbling for better food???

God was present, was providing for their daily needs, and yet they prayed for more, for better, for different.

Each time I read her blog I am taken back by not only her grasp of our God and all of His uniqueness, but also her complete humility.....that she dares to feel guilty for grumbling over the effects the chemo is having on her body when we (I) so often "grumble" over far more miniscule things.

This past weekend I was able to go to New York City. I walked the streets of Soho, admiring the endless boutiques, feeling a little too inadequate and a little too poor to go into the shops. In less than 3 weeks, I will be going to Haiti, a country where I will be viewed as rich beyond measure, surrounded by people who eat "mana" (so to speak) with every meal, where the word "boutique" has no meaning nor worth. I don't think it is by coincidence that God allowed both of these trips to fall so closely together. I was able to venture to a city that has everything....and soon will be going to a city that has nothing. I pray that as I travel my eyes are opened to the real need in this world, the real hardships that surround the daily lives of others, and to the blessings I so richly and undeservingly have. I pray this so that I can train my heart to one that no longer lives in GRUMBLING.....but in overflowing GRATITUDE.

And I pray for Sara....daily.....for strength, for healing, and for her continued example to others!

My Everest

2011-05-04T14:41:00.000-05:00

There is a Thanksgiving episode of Friends where Joey convinces Monica to make a turkey even though no one else is eating it that year. Joey swears that if she will cook it, he will eat the whole thing. You see a shot of Joey, looking stuffed, sitting behind a turkey that looks completely eaten...until he turns it around and reveals the other side had not been touched. His famous quote (at least in our household)....."You are my Everest."

While I have been able to jokingly use that line in many different circumstances, it proves itself most true when it comes to running. I am NOT a runner by nature. I can remember walking all of my miles in gym class with the teacher yelling for me to hurry up. I am admittedly not an athlete (I mean, come on, who has time for that? I was too busy being social!). And honestly, I just can't do it! I have never had the lungs, never had the strength, and piled behind all of those excuses, I have never had the desire.

In the past two years I have begun a slow path to running. See, when I run, I get horrible, overwhelming cramps that usually stop me dead in my tracks. I have heard all my life....push through, run through them, hold your arms up, eat more of this, etc, etc. More often than not, none of those things have been successful, and the only thing that helps is to completely stop, let it pass, and try to continue on. I remember the day I was able to run 1/2 a mile without stopping. I swear I think a little party went on in my head! Then I made it to a mile! One mile, something so small and miniscule to someone else was a great victory to me.....one that had never happened in 30 years.

So if I don't really desire to run, I'm not good at it, and let's face it....what's the point....a piece of bling at the end or pat on the back???....then why do I do it? Truthfully, I've run for many reasons: for sanity, needed Laura-time, to push away pain, to find common ground with others, to see people at my finish line. All of those reasons, however, just never seem to be enough. They allow me to get through whatever I'm needing, and then just like those reasons fade, so does that desire for running.

After a long battle with a thrown out back, a broken tailbone, and a 4 month case of strep throat, I am ready to try again with a different attitude. God says, "Test me in this and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." (Malachi 3:10) Sure, he may be referring to our possessions but I choose to see a deeper meaning behind it. God tells us that whatever we give of ourselves, whatever we bring to the table, whatever blessings we possess.....test him....give it to Him....and see if he doesn't provide it back to you tenfold. Running is not my "test" to God, but rather my obedience to Him. I am trying daily to be obedient in running, patient as I wait to see what all He can do within me, and faithful by believing that He will....not because He has to, but because I have asked Him to. I know that just like life, running on my own will only get me so far....it HAS only gotten me so far. Wherever I go from here is because HE (NOT MYSELF) is allowing me to flourish. "Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established. The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Prov. 16: 3, 9)

Running....is MY EVEREST!

Goodbyes

2011-05-02T14:08:00.000-05:00

For as long as I can remember, I have never been "good" with goodbyes, and anyone that knows me well can completely agree to that statement. Maybe it is change that I'm really not good at, because after all, a goodbye guarantees change. Maybe it is that my natural tendency is too reflect on the loss rather than gratitude for the time given. But the truth of it is that I just have a very tender heart. I'm probably not the easiest person to get to know, maybe even love (yikes, I'm going to hope that isn't true). While I am very outgoing and can pretty much talk to anyone, it takes a lot for me to open up the door of who I am in complete transparency.......knowing everything about me. And honestly, there are very few people that have come into my life who have reflected that depth of relationship with me. So when they are gone, for whatever reason, my heart grieves probably more than it should. My best friend Jessie moved back to Maryland almost 7 years ago and I still hurt (out of joy and sadness) when I drive by our old stomping grounds. I miss her so much because I know that if she were here, we'd spend every day together....throwing our kids in a van running errands, having a glass of wine at the end of it because we're exhausted, probably even teaching together. She took a piece of my heart, and I still feel that void with her being so far away! That's just ONE of the many examples of a goodbye that still affects me. It's not as much the people that are the loss, but the impact they have on my life. When they are gone, a piece of me goes with them.

I spent a lot of time this weekend reflecting on "goodbye" and trying to find peace, thankfulness, and even grace for the moments that have been difficult. Whether goodbyes come easy to me or not, I know it's all a part of our journey, what makes us us, what shapes our lives. And even though "I KNOW" all that, I still think Jim Halpert says it best.....

"Sometimes.....Goodbyes are a B*T@H!"

"Alone Alone"

2011-04-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

Being a stay at home mom is so tough in so many ways. More often than not you come out defeated rather than conquering. The walls seem to close in smaller as the hours of the day pass by. It's almost as if someone has thrown your life into this never ending things-to-do list and you just know that taking care of and playing with the kids has to be on there somewhere.....but where? While all those things are what I categorize as "tough," nothing can beat a mom down more than loneliness. And I'm not talking the all I ever do is talk to a two and three year old all day lonely. I'm talking "alone alone!" Where you wonder why nobody else's children act like yours, think no one can possibly understand what your life is like, and, dare I say, feel trapped....and alone. If you are a mom, then I can guarantee you have felt "alone alone." The crazy thing about that sickness is that it attacks everyone differently.

My "alone alone" comes in the form of separation anxiety. Both of my boys have suffered from this since infancy, and both of my boys have it to the upmost extreme. I've heard things like, "They just love their Mommy so much." Or "All kids go through it, it's normal." And while both of these things may be true, I see the looks on the faces of the teachers when I bring in the hysterical child time after time to school, church, the gym, even a friends house if I need a sitter for a short time. It is exhausting....for me, for the teachers, for my kids. I've done everything I know to do: bribed, spanked, rewarded, MADE them go because let's face it, they've got to get over this. Yet, they never do.

"Alone alone."

Do you know what it is like to ALWAYS be the person who has the screaming kids....always? To wonder if something is wrong with them because (and I'm not joking at all) I never see anyone else's kids having a break down EVERY single time? Or worse, to feel like you are doing something wrong as a mother? The most difficult part is that I feel like it is beginning to really wear me down. My temper becomes shorter not only to my children, but also the people who watch my children. Today it happened. Today I snapped. Today I went from the "apologetic" Laura who is sorry that her children act this way to the "Deal with it" Laura.

I had had a bad experience with the YMCA childcare on Tuesday. We switched to the Y....a gym a really do not like near as much as others....for the kids. They are supposed to have great children's care and activities. Tuesday was my first day and it did not go well with my two year old. (Let's just thank the Lord for a moment that I ONLY had my two year old that day.) So I was geared up ready to face today. As soon as I walk in with him they said, "Are you going to try again today?" Which to me came across as, "He's already crying, are you really going to leave him?" I am not tough! I am not stern! I am as far from confrontational as you can get! But something in me (the Stewart in me) came out firing. I simply told the girls that this is just what he does and that I was a member at Gold's before and he did it there too....but that they would hold him and he would be fine. They quickly replied (as they so rudely made sure I knew on Tuesday) that they have a 15 minute policy where if he cries for 15 minutes they will have to come get me. And that's when it came out......

"I know that is your policy but he is smart and will quickly learn that if he cries long enough, Mommy will come get him. And if that is the case every time than I guess I will have to quit the Y because I will obviously not ever get to work out."

You should have seen their eyes.....like who let this crazy person in here? Luckily a sweet girl came over and offered to take him and help settle him down. And me.....well I went to the locker room, found an empty changing room, and cried.

"Alone alone."

Oh, Where My Mind Goes

2011-04-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

It's funny where your mind can take you when you are half awake/half asleep. Okay, maybe I should say that it is funny where MY mind takes me. This morning in particular makes me realize that I am s...u...c...h a girl, through and through: instinctive, anxious, and a hopeless romantic! (I mean, really, how many guys can feel all three of those things at one time!!!)

Instinctive

I come from a family of worriers. That's actually putting it mildly. One thing I try to "not" worry about is the weather. If you think you are a dramatic person, watch the news channels on a day where bad weather is supposed to strike and you will immediately feel better about yourself. People go nuts about the weather around here, and in more cases than not, nothing ever seems to happen!

(Insert the part where I should have knocked on wood!)

I ended my evening phone call with my mother 1/2 joking 1/2 serious saying, "Call me and wake me up if bad weather is coming my way." I KNEW she would know, and if it wasn't her glued to the tv, it would be my grandmother alerting her, then me. And yes, my grandmother told me she slept with her weather alert radio on last night.

(Insert sweet giggle here!)

The morning pretty much began with the power going out, my three year old hearing thunder and waking up screaming because his nightlight was out, followed by my husband going to get him, followed by me jumping out of bed to get them and running to the bathroom. I can honestly say that I have never heard freight train winds before, but it didn't take long to realize that that noise was NOT normal. So Mommy's instincts kicked in quickly and got us to a safe place! It lasted all of about one minute, and when I looked at my phone, sure enough Mom had called. Although she was calling to tell me that our road was flashing on the TV....wish she had gotten to me about 5 minutes earlier, but I'll blame no power instead of her! =)

Anxious

We all got back in bed, including our three year old. I was so tired yet it was very difficult to fall asleep. My mind was on and it wasn't stopping. Immediately my anxious side went from thinking about what we just experienced, to thinking about what if it had been a lot worse, to thinking about the movie "Where The Heart Is" and the tornado that hit during that movie, to.....and this is where it gets good.....to....

Hopeless Romantic

....love. For a movie that I was never just crazy about, the end sure gets me every time. I'm a line girl! I love a GOOD line regardless of how the movie turns out....you know, the kind of line that makes your heart melt....and you just know....it's real.

(Insert disclaimer: I also find both humor and deep annoyance with the bad lines. You know....the ones that make you cringe because the guy actually thinks they will work.)

"It's too late isn't it."
"Too late. Too late for what?"
"I lied to you when you asked me if I loved you and I said no. I lied, Forney, it wasn't true, I love you. It's just.....I lied because I thought you deserved something better."
"Something better than you? Novalee, there isn't anything better than you."

(Insert kiss!!!)

I mean really.....can you just call me a girl or what? I can go from tornados to love stories in a matter of seconds. It's okay....I'll own it. It just means I'll take care of you, worry about you, and even LOVE you! Could be worse, right?

Oh and....(insert that a tornado did go through our backyard and about 5 of our neighbors yards knocking down trees everywhere. It went in a diagonal path through the houses so we were all very lucky!)

The Miracle We "Needed"

2011-04-26T12:55:00.000-05:00

A little over two years ago some friends of ours gave birth to a still born little girl, Gracie. We were very saddened to not be able to attend the funeral. A few weeks ago at church, we were able to listen to a message we were not able to hear that day. Gracie's father spoke these words:

We prayed and prayed for a miracle. You prayed and prayed for a miracle. Even though we did not get the miracle we wanted, I still believe we got a miracle.
Maybe the miracle is that Gracie doesn't have to suffer and go through the pain we are going through right now. She went directly to perfection.
Maybe the miracle is that we are able to praise God in the midst of her loss. Maybe the miracle is that we were able to persevere for 4 long months.
Maybe the miracle is that we had 8 precious months with Gracie instead of 2.
Maybe the miracle is instead of pushing each other away, we clung to each other and God to survive.
Maybe the miracle is that instead of acting like everything was okay, we openned ourselves up to you and in return you showed us the compassion of God.
Maybe the miracle is that we were able to enjoy our sweet time with Gracie after her birth instead of being filled with anger and bitterness.
Maybe the miracle is that I am able to stand in front of you today and share her life with you.
Maybe the miracle is that Gracie brought you closer to God, reignited your relationship with him, or maybe for the first time allowed you to encounter the saving works of Jesus our Lord in your life.
I can't say for sure what the miracle is. Maybe it is different for each one of us. But I can say for sure that Gracie is a miracle.
She wasn't the miracle we asked for, but she was the one we needed.

"She wasn't the miracle we asked for, but she was the one we NEEDED." In the face of such heartache, a father stood up and said that it was "needed." For weeks that line has been laid on my heart. For weeks I have been reading these words trying to piece together my thoughts enough to make a post out of them. And for weeks....I have been unsuccessful. So I've come to the conclusion today that maybe there are no more words that need to be said, but rather just to sit in "awe" of it.......in awe of their faith, awe of their testimony, awe of their love, awe of their bond, awe of their choices, awe of their hope. I think their story touches each of us in our own way and I hope in sharing this piece of it, that its messages stays with you, that it challenges you to see life a little differently, that it encourages you to have faith and hope when both of those things seem so out of reach......that it changes you, as it has me!

Love Me for Me

2011-04-22T14:47:00.000-05:00

First off, I just love JJ Heller. She definitely has some powerful songs/lyrics. But I love this song. It brings tears to my eyes every time I just sit and really listen to it. "I will love you for you." How often, in the midst of who we are....all our mess, all our junk, all of our just plain ugly, are we loved for the mere, simple fact of just being ourselves? I TRULY can't wrap my head around that. In fact, one day during bible study we were discussing the chapter of our book about God being just plain crazy in love with us. I walked down stairs for a moment to get coffee and sort of prayed out loud to myself with a genuinely confused, humble heart....."Why, Lord? Why do you love me so much? Why do you care so much?" And out of no where I swear that He answered me....

Because I made you!

In that moment my eyes filled with tears because in that moment I finally understood. I love my kids, with all that is in me, I love them. While they CAN do plenty of wrong in my eyes =), no one or nothing could make me love them any less than I do.....I love them for who they are, inside and out, junk and funk, simply because they are mine!

But what I love so much about this song is the bridge:

I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...
I will love you for you....

"Now that you'll listen"......never more have those words hit home. How often do I get in my own way? Put my own rationalizations, thoughts, and perspectives into things rather than listening to Him.......listen to Him tell me He loves me for me.....listen to Him tell me that I am enough!

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

Oh to be the Coffee!!!

2011-04-19T21:53:00.001-05:00

Carrots, Eggs & Coffee

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee....You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen.. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word...

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hardboiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Perspective

2011-04-05T15:33:00.000-05:00

As each new day brings its own set of joys, trials, wrinkles, and (dare I say) pounds, this new found 30 year old is trying to focus on the parts of her that don't hurt when I reach to high to grab a toy, ache from picking up the kids all day, or grow weary from the daily grind.....the eyes.

Sure, I've always been one through the years to "play up" the eyes with fun makeup, because after all, the eyes can be the most stunning thing on a person. But it has never been the first place I go when seeking wisdom.

It wasn't until I came upon a field near our home, that I began to "see" what value the eyes hold in our lives. As I came to a stop at the stop sign, I just sat in amazement at the very sight of it. Breathtaking rows upon rows of endless purple wildflowers, known to the "trained" eye as weeds. But that is not what I saw. I saw beauty, in something as simple as a "weed."

Perspective......has a pretty huge impact on our lives. It's not what we see but how we see something that defines our character, our attitude, our spirit. I must admit I am not always one to see the beauty in a field of weeds, but this encounter affected me enough to still be lingering on the lesson.

You Can Have Me

2011-03-06T16:05:00.000-06:00

I write about God a lot. Not because I live my life perfectly, not because I fail miserably, but because my heart and my mind are constantly in battle, fighting to find, seek, relate, and discover my purpose in Him. Tears filled my eyes the first time I heard this song, and the more times I hear it, the more I fall in love with the lyrics. Most of the time it is words that move or inspire me, but this song....challenges me.

"When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?"

When I heard that chorus for the first time, a part of me felt like it was what my heart has been screaming at the Lord for such a long time. Duties, responsibilities, life-lessons, loss of innocence, pain, strength, perseverance.....all things the past years have given to me in my journey into adulthood. All things that left me relying less on faith and more on myself, to accomplish, succeed, and pretty much ..... just get it done. No wonder I am unmoved. No wonder I am unconsumed. No wonder those lyrics spoke right into my deepest longing. When did I not allow God to be enough for me anymore?

"If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life."

Ultimate surrender. I think about that often, what it would be like now, to just give it all up to God, to lay my life down and just STOP trying to be in control. I'm not even talking about seeing Jesus on the street and choosing to walk away from everything just to follow him. I just mean in the day to day. What would it be like to STOP talking, STOP planning, STOP worrying, and START listening, START trusting, START living? I used to say ALL THE TIME that "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." And I honestly do believe that. As a matter of fact, I can think of quite a few times where I'm quite certain I've given him one of those great, contagious, pit of your belly laughs (a good Jonte laugh)!!! So why is it so hard?

"If you're all you claim to be, then I'm not losing anything."

Ahhhh.....Bebo

2011-03-03T15:34:00.000-06:00

Bebo Norman takes me back, at least, 12 years. He was one of the very first christian artists that I really enjoyed listening to. I love his unique, mello style. I love that he writes most of his music. I love the message and the authenticity his songs hold.

This song has been on my playlist for the past few months, mostly because it is where I feel like I am right now, but also to remind me that that is OK. The middle is a tough place to be, and I am someone who has always struggled in finding their place "in the middle." I didn't even realize how many different situations I could apply this song to until yesterday. We have been battling a tough season in our home. Since January 1, my 3 year old son and I have had 4, yes 4 cases of strep throat now. My one year old has had it once. Both of my boys have had 3 ear infections each. Both boys have had to have sleep studies and will soon have to have their tonsils and adenoids removed due to sleep apnea. I had an emergency room visit with a possible broken tail bone. We have mounting medical bills at the moment, only to get larger with the surgeries. Having sick children is very tough, and having sick children for almost 2 months straight....is very wearing. So add Mommy being sick during that whole time as well, and you can imagine where I've been.......IN THE MIDDLE! And this is just the "physical" well being of all of us.

"I'm not looking for freedom, maybe just a little meaning.....here in the middle."

I am strong. I am a fighter.....but a real part of me has felt like this world is waging war on me, trying to break my spirit. And tears came to my eyes as I told my husband last night.....that its about to win, I am just about broken. So as I took a bath and let my ipod play the OLD Bebo cd, I let the words of one of my favorite songs really sink in.

No matter where I am, no matter what my dreams are, no matter where my heart may lie at the present moment, no matter what road I am on....God is still in control. I truly believe that somewhere among the confusion, mess, hurt, and trials the "middle" throws at us.....that God uses all of that "junk" to shape, mold, and form us into the person HE created us to be. The minute I stop believing that, is the minute I lose my purpose. So daily.....and it's not easy....but DAILY, I remind myself of that very thought.....and it helps me press onward!

"My dreams are not the issue here, for thee, the hammer holds."

A Season of Songs

2011-02-28T20:39:00.000-06:00

Wow. Has it really been almost two months since I have written? Sadly, I can almost fill in a lot of different endings to that sentence, "Has it really been almost two months since......" It's definitely been a season, of ups, downs, way downs =), and everything in between. Somewhere amongst this "season" I just can't seem to find my words. I know this is going to come as a shock to all of my three readers out there, lol, but I just can't seem to piece my thoughts together long enough before they seem to jump to another.

But then I realized the other day, that that is not entirely true. It isn't that I've (temporarily) lost my passion or desire to write, I've just been channeling my thoughts in a different direction. Music.

I love music. To the very deep down depths of me.....I love a good song. As cheesy as it sounds, it does move me. I can't tell you how many times I have heard a song amongst friends or family and asked, "Did you listen to those words?" Usually followed by...."Uh, no." (lol) It's just who I am. Some hear melody, I hear lyrics. I can find meaning in one line of a song as if I had written it myself. I love music!!! Throughout these months, it has been songs that replaced my own words. So, while I struggle to find "me", I'm going to share the songs that touch my soul or speak to my heart......ones I draw strength from, ones that paint a message, ones that give hope, ones that give that good, every once in a while cry =), and ones that bring joy!

So in honor of the GORGEOUS weather outside.....and pretty much where I've been today....one of my favs, Patty Griffin.

This song was one my roommate and I fell in love with back in college, one I still love to this day. And let's face it, Patty's got style!

A Case of the "I Knows"

2011-01-06T16:27:00.000-06:00

Most of us grow up and can't wait to get married and have children. We have the wonderful opportunity to pass our knowledge and experiences on to a future generation. It is a gift to be able to share the things we did right and most definitely the "what not to do's." We learn from our children....how to give grace, love selflessly, find self-control, juggle 50 different things at one time. Most importantly we get to thrive daily on endless hugs, kisses, snuggles, and I love you's. But what if there is more? I can almost feel a tiny smirk on the Lord's face looking down on me as I make this profound statement. ("Is she FINALLY getting it??) What if God also gives us these little blessings to visibly reflect the things in our own lives that are keeping us from becoming the best possible version of ourselves?

For as long as I can remember, my three year old, Baker, has wiped away my kisses! Yes, that is right....WIPED off my kisses. Before, I believe, he was even old enough to comprehend this action, that sweet, little hand would raise up and rub away my sentiments of love! At first we found humor in this as it left us all baffled. Now, however, it has become a joke in our family. Each night I hold him down, kiss all over his face, tell him that "he can't wipe away all those kisses," and watch as he still attempts to try.

A few weeks ago a friend came over for coffee. We talked about life, God, struggles, joys. Before putting him down to bed, for laughs, I kissed my sweet toddler just to show how he wipes away my kisses! It wasn't long after, as I'm sure I talked her ear off most of the night, that she stopped me and told me something that has continued to stick in my mind.

I just realized something. Do you know that you say 'I know' a lot?

Just like Baker wiping your kisses away.

"I love you, Baker!".........."I know, Mom, WIPE!"
"No, I really love you!"......"I know, Mom, got it. WIPE."

Maybe you do the same thing to God......and He's using Baker to show you how He feels when you so quickly wipe his sentiments away. Like you said, even when Baker was so young, he did it subconsciously. Maybe you don't realize you are doing it either.

"I love you, Laura!"..........."I know Lord, WIPE!"
"I'm always here!".........."I know, thanks, WIPE!"
"I would do anything for you."..........."I know you would, WIPE."
Maybe instead of always being so quick to say 'I know,' really listen, let it sink in, really feel God's words and the depths of his love for you. You are, after all, His child. (Followed by....) Our God is so awesome!

Our God is pretty awesome, but I love that I have such AWESOME friends to point out God's awesomeness when I am sometimes too flawed to see it myself. She was exactly right, but the truth is, I never would have grasped this conversation had God not blessed me with my beautiful, "loving" three year old to show me firsthand! I now know what it is like to be on the other side of that love.....that is so often taken for granted just because we "know" it's there.

So even if a few kisses fall to the ground......usually because I am tired, grumpy, selfish, pouting, embarrassed, or just acting like a toddler.....I'm so thankful God keeps giving me more! So you can keep wiping them away, Baker, I have plenty to give.....and I'll never stop!

(Thanks Tracey)

My Strength Is Renewed By.....

2011-01-04T18:19:00.000-06:00

"....even on my weakest days....I get a little bit stronger!"

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-28T14:21:00.000-06:00

As I sit and look back on the past year of this blog, it is funny the thoughts that come to mind. I can literally remember every post and the purpose behind each writing....which, in itself, brings both joy and pain. 2010 has been one the best and most difficult years that I have ever walked through. Rereading my posts, however, I see a clear picture of "me" in them. Each one is spun with a happy ending, an encouraging thought, maybe even an insightful epiphany. It makes me wonder why I do that, why I write that way. And that is when it hit me....it isn't that IT IS always happy, encouraging, or insightful, but I write with hope...hope that it can be.

So it is with hope that I say goodbye to 2010 and look forward to 2011. Hope that I will take the lessons God has given me this year and make me stronger, better, and brighter for the years to come.

Just a few things I've learned this year (in no particular order):

*I am a social person. I love people. I love to laugh, have fun, play, dance, do for others, etc. And staying at home has been one of the most difficult jobs I have ever done. This is the first full year I have had not working.....well, not working an "official" job. Just like any job....it takes experience, and I discovered....that I have A LOT to learn. I am still learning to juggle my daily responsibilities, spend quality time with my kids and, you know, maybe teach them something while I'm home, be resourceful, live with a limited budget, not lose my "cool", and still find time for me and the things that make me Laura. I have without a doubt gotten a big fat "F" in this category this year......but when I think back to my first year of teaching, I probably got a big fat "F" then too. It takes patience, practice, and learning from my own successes and failures. Bring it on 2011!!!!

*I have learned that friendships can come into your life in the most unusual ways......like finding that person to rock a serious air guitar with! Never underestimate God's sense of humor.

*I've learned that building a house....STINKS! Flat out...not fun...would not do it again! I don't care if I lived in a castle by the end of the whole process. Be prepared to allow it to take over your life throughout the entire process......marriage, kids, friendships, everything.

*I've learned that complicated means complicated. No win situations really are....no win situations. And no matter how many you wish upon, you can't line up the stars.

*I've learned that I enjoy running, if nothing else, for this reason.....NO MATTER HOW SLOW YOU ARE, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE SLOWER THAN YOU!!! I also love Zumba for that reason....no matter how silly, non-cordinated you look....someone always looks worse.

*I've learned that your heart is never too experienced, mature, or confident....to be completely broken.

*I've learned that Panama City Beach looks a little bit different as a 29 year old than it did as an 18 year old.

*I've been reminded both how hard and how fun living with people are! Invading anyone's lives as a family of 4 means life is going to look at little crazy from everyone's point of view. But tv nights, movie dates, dinners together, walks, game nights, popcorn and Dr. Pepper days, and everything in between were worth every bit of the not as pretty moments! I've also been shown true selflessness and true friendship and for that I will be forever grateful and forever changed!!!

*I've experienced what true grace and forgiveness looks like....and what being loved unconditionally feels like.

*I've learned that I can apply an Office quote to just about any situation! And I bond instantly to those people that can share in that same depth of appreciation!!!

*I've learned that some of my best days are the days I do absolutely nothing but play with my kids....build forts, make brownies, build towers and then destroy them, have dance parties. I have two boys with the most contagious laughs.....and taking the time to truly take in those moments is all the joy I could ever need!

*I've learned that I love reading, and I would LOVE more time for reading! A Mother's Hope and A Daughter's Dream literally changed my outlook on so many things in life! Definitely my favorite books of the year!

*I've learned that I can fly on a plane by myself with my two children and handle it with complete sanity!

*I've learned that true friends....are life long friends. They love you at your best, and even more so at your worst. And I have some pretty amazing friends.

So this year I am not making any new years resolutions. Instead I will just keep writing, keep seeking, keep learning lessons so that that "hope" will never diminish from my life......so that my heart will in fact keep "Beatin" on!

Adios 2010!

Come to Save Us

2010-12-19T16:01:00.000-06:00

The lights were dim, candles were lit, the worship team was singing, tears were streaming down my face. This is where I found myself in church this morning. The message that has been stirring in my heart for weeks had never been made so clear, had never been so powerful in that moment.
When I allow myself to look back over the past year, I realize that it has been without a doubt the toughest year I have ever experienced to date (which is a scary thought in itself....to date.....knowing that there will be harder years to come). I have experienced the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, been transitioned, unsettled, uncertain, unprepared, uniquely broken. And though all of these things continue to wage war against me daily, I have marveled at God's ever impeccable timing. It is such timing that reminds me beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is in fact there, that He is in control of all things, and that He does love me. I have said many times that Christmas is what has saved me this year. The joy, the lights, the snow, the plays, the baking, friends, family, giving, and most of all the continuous reminder of why we celebrate this season. It has given me hope again. But, listening to this song today, I realized that it is NOT Christmas that has saved me.

"Jesus, you're the one who saves us! You're the one who saves us! King of all the other kings on Earth!"

Snow

2010-12-16T07:38:00.000-06:00

I love snow!!! I could sit for hours wrapped in a blanket watching it fall to the ground. It is the only time I don't mind the cold. I love building snowmen (or snow women). I love making snow angels and watching my kids try to make them beside me. I love snowball fights and using objects as shields. I love sledding. I would be Chevy Chase greasing up my sled for a big hill (if there were any where I live). I love building snow tunnels. I love when the trees completely ice over and it feels like you are in a winter wonderland. I love ice icicles. I love hot chocolate when you come inside. I love potato soup. I love hearing my kids laughter and joy playing in the snow. I love that everyone looks crazy in their snow get-up and no one even notices. I love snowbird reports and I don't even teach anymore. I love that snow makes everything look beautiful. I LOVE SNOW!!!

But most of all I love that it is the tangible proof that a new season is here. So I say....bring on the snow!!!!!

Unspoken

2010-12-07T20:48:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago a friend (literally) dropped a book on my doorstep. Untouched, unopened it sat on my coffee table until a few days ago. Unspoken is a historical fiction story of Bathsheba and King David. While I loved learning more of Bathsheba, turning down pages where quotes spoke to me on deeper levels, and even learning from her story in ways, it was David who led me to write this blog tonight.

David was a faithful man. A son of a shepherd, he defeated the mighty Goliath. God delivered him from his enemies and chose him to be King. These are the stories you hear growing up about David. Reading this book, however, opened my eyes to a David I had not previously known. David lusted over Bathsheba, had her brought to him, had an affair with her. When she became pregnant he had her husband killed to cover up his sin. His first born son raped his half-sister Tamar and David did nothing. His second son killed that son, fled the country, and still David did nothing. When that same son brought an army up against him to defeat David and take his crown, God delivered David and his people. Yet David's first reaction was of mourning his son's death rather than being grateful to the men that fought for his life.

From the outside looking in, David did not look so good. The great, honorable man whom God stood by and chose to be King made some serious mistakes. AT TIMES, his father skills were lacking, his kingly duties were overlooked, his views on love were clouded, and even arrogance got the best of him. If that was all we got to see of David....how would our opinion of him be any different than those of the people that saw him even in that time period?

But thats when it hit me. I started thinking about Psalms.....the many, many Psalms where we not only can read, but feel David's cries for peace, forgiveness, strength, mercy, joy, sorrow, etc. How often do we go to those same Psalms to find relation and understanding in our own circumstances. We GET to see David's heart. We all make mistakes. We are all flawed beyond reason. We all hide behind a smile. We're all judged by our actions. How rare it is to GET to look past that hard outer shell and see the person that truly lies beneath? To see the motive behind the actions or the brokenness after the fall?

(Bathsheba) "God loves you because you repented every time you realized you'd sinned. You grieved. You tried to do right. God knows you are only a man."

(David) "A man who has hurt everyone he loves and cost the lives of countless thousands." He shook his head, his eyes filling with tears. "Why did God do it? Of all the men in Israel, why did God choose me to be king?"

(Bathsheba) She knelt in front of him and rested her head in his lap. She smiled and closed her eyes as he combed his fingers through her hair. "Because you're the only man who would ask that question."

~Unspoken

Ruins

2010-12-02T10:24:00.000-06:00

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

~Eat, Pray, Love

Unsettled

2010-09-27T17:26:00.001-05:00

Have you ever just felt....unsettled? I have been homeless, living with roommates for the past 6 months, waiting for our home to be built. Unsettled should be a feeling I have gotten used to by now. It just feels different this time. I feel like life right now is moving so quickly, and I just can't seem to keep up with it. I am aimlessly going from one thing to the next, getting done what needs to get done, in hopes of simply staying in the race. Life.....is beginning to change and will soon look very different, and I think I'm just "feeling" that. I can't stop it, hit the pause button, or even the refresh one (wouldn't that be nice?). So...unsettled....ready or not....I enter the next chapter of my life.

Young Love

2010-09-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

Who can't think back to a first love (or "loves") without a smile coming to your face. You may even find yourself giggling a little, thinking about how silly you were in those days. But none the less, young love was fun: not a care in the world, no responsibilities, you could NEVER turn your head for another, would NEVER consider loving anyone else. Holding hands in public symbolized to the world that he was yours and you were his. Or even better than holding hands....having a token of that person to show the world. Which leads me to the reason for my ramblings.

Yes, I admit it, I am reading Twilight....again. I find that it truly is the one book I think I could read over and over and not get tired of. There is something about the innocence and sweetness of the book that lures me back in every time. Yesterday I came to the part in the book where Edward gave Bella his jacket to wear, which, in its simplicity, was a big moment. She wrapped up in it, loved that it smelled like him, and cherished it...because it was a tangible piece of him. I found myself laughing a little as I read this part because it made me think back to my high school days. I love when "love" is beginning/new/fresh and that just a mere token of the other person becomes almost a treasure. For Bella, it was a jacket. For Edward, it was Bella's bottle top. If you were like me, you had the football jacket, pin, and football number necklace!!!!! (I'm laughing out loud at the thought of what I must have looked like!) Regardless, it was fun! It was exciting to love someone so much that you wanted to show off that love to not only the world, but also to that particular person (even if in those days it was immature and may not have lasted long).

I think one of the reasons Twilight doesn't get old is because there is a small piece of me that still enjoys the simplicity of loving someone....when it doesn't include responsibilities, cleaning, cooking, laundry, bills, decisions, etc. While all of those things play a role in loving another, I don't think time and age should weather what brought you together in the first place.

Awwww.....sigh.....young love! =)

Stones....

2010-09-01T21:30:00.000-05:00

Stones...hurt.

Size does not matter. Big ones squish. Small ones sting.

Strong. They are not easily broken.

Good for keeping things in. Good for keeping things out.

Why is it when we are older we begin taking all of those stones that have been cast our way and start building walls around our heart? Someone hurts us....add a stone. Someone lets us down....add a stone. Someone diminishes our hope....another stone. We're disappointed.....stone. Lied to....stone. We "feel" these things so deeply, that somewhere we want to just stop feeling them. We build that wall, piece by piece, stone by stone, so that next time....it may not hurt as bad.

So what then? This is where I was tonight..."was" being the appropriate word. Then something within that wall whispered:

"Trust me, Laura." ...... and a stone fell.

"Have faith that I am walking with you." ..... another stone....

"I will always take care of you." .......stone......

No matter how big or tall I build that wall, I forget that I am not the only one standing inside of it. And 'HE' is bigger and stronger and mightier than any rock! Many can throw stones, but only ONE can break them!

Fear

2010-08-29T15:57:00.000-05:00

Breathe. Close eyes. Pray. Breathe. Hold...something. Pray. Relax. Motions.....these are the motions that usually take place within me while riding on an airplane. I wasn't always this way. In fact my first plane ride was to Hawaii. That's not exactly what I would call....easing into it. And I remember loving it. My next one....London/Paris.....that is where my the scar on my courage came from. I remember little about it except some of our guy friends holding their hands up on the plane as if we were on a roller coaster ride going up and down. I'm glad that at least they were amused.

I sit here writing this because I'm definitely battling mixed emotions about an upcoming trip. I am getting the opportunity to visit California in a few days. Part of me is ecstatic....a few hours, sitting, no one needing me, not having to make conversation with anyone, someone serving me (even if it is a beverage....heck, I might even go for an adult one), getting lost in a book, maybe even taking a nap. When you put it that way....that airplane ride sounds like the best vacation I have had in a LONG time. But thats just it....it's the longest flight I've been on in years. Can my nerves take it? I know this is silly. I know that people fly every day. I know that it is "safer" than riding in a car. I know, I know, I know...

"So if you're scared, why do it?"
"Because the things you are scared of are usually the most worthwhile. Just a theory."

....and then a line from one of my favorite movies sums it up! I promised myself a long time ago that I would never let my fear keep me from doing anything. So here I go again! Pray for me!

The Keys

2010-08-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

I sat on the bench, opened the top, placed my fingers on the keys, and closed my eyes. Without a single thought they began to move swiftly over the keys and play the beautiful Cannon in D.

"I can't believe I still remember how to play this and still play it so well after all these years."

And that is when it always happens. As soon as I allow myself to "think" about what I am doing, what keys I need to play next, I find myself stuck. I try to repeat the stanza I had just played, and sometimes I can't even remember that. It's the "thinking" that gets me.....every time. It is not satisfaction, but rather shock when I actually make it through the entire song....flawlessly.

I love the little ways God shows up in my daily life....and ALWAYS gives me a lesson. One would think I might learn something one of these days. A simple moment at the piano brought on today's epiphany on life. Every time I put too much thought into the steps I am taking, I will most assuredly stumble. However, when I simply walk through them, letting go and experiencing rather than thinking, I sometimes even surprise myself!

"Let Go, Let God"

2010-08-14T15:16:00.000-05:00

I have always been a dreamer. Most people say that they cannot remember their dreams, however, I have always been able to. Sometimes I wake from such a deep sleep (usually by a child crying =) ) that I have to sit for a minute to remind myself what is reality. The other morning, however, I awoke with a very clear image in mind. What was so interesting about the dream is that it wasn't a story, adventure, conversation, or anything that usually comes to life in the dream world. It felt more like a message....or maybe I should say "reminder." This picture in my mind was one that I remember so clearly from years ago. In fact, I remember discussing the meaning this image holds with friends in bible studies throughout college: a simple hand, gripping sand.

I like to be control of my world. Have I ever written about being terrified of flying? Well, I'm terrified of flying, and this past summer, I finally figured out why. I have no control of that plane. My job is literally to get in, sit, and let the pilot do his thing. I am putting my life in the hands of someone else. So that fear does not come from being confined in a small place, surrounded by strangers, tens of thousands of feet above the ground.....it comes from the fact that I have to let go and trust someone else with my life. MY LIFE!

So I begin to think about that sand. The things that make up our lives are as countless as the grains of sand we hold within our hands. We cling desperately to what matters to us, innocently believing that if we hold on tight enough, we'll never lose it. Yet we all know that you can't grip sand in your hand without it beginning to slip right through your fingers. When we hold it with open hands, however, palms up, as if we are "giving it away", it stays right where it should.

I think it is a sweet reflection of what God means when He asks us to have faith. He literally asks us to "give" him our lives, our joys, our sorrows, what matters most. This is something I struggle with greatly. I am usually the one holding onto that sand until God finally has to open my hand...and pick it all back up for me. If I would just trust Him to begin with, everything would stay right where it is supposed to be.

Somewhere along my journey I had forgotten about this tangible example of faith and trust. I awoke very in "aw" and very thankful that God never lets us forget His truth. And I am very thankful, that He never forgets me!

Time

2010-08-10T20:27:00.000-05:00

"T...i...m...e.... is on your side, yes it is." Why the creepy song from Fallen is going through my head as I begin this post, I do not know. I started thinking today about time and what an interesting concept it is. It is funny what a simple thing as "time" can change. I was driving on the other side of town today. It is amazes me how big our little city feels sometimes. The college is on the complete opposite end of town, and there really aren't many reasons for me to ever go over to that side. When those rare days come, however, I am flooded with sweet memories. I try to convince myself that I am not really that old.....that it was only a few precious years since I graduated...that it wasn't in fact 11 years ago that I began that journey, gained independence, pledged a sorority, and made my lifelong friends. What was I writing....oh yes.....time! So as I was driving an old, familiar home caught my eye. It was nicely painted and appeared now to be some sort of christian fraternity. A few years back though, this was once a place I hung out in often, sitting on the porch with friends, and even busted out some air guitar while jamming to Lifehouse (still lovin' that cd BTW!!). As I continued driving down what used to be simple two lane road filled with many small, rundown houses (which is now a landscaped, 4 lane road, with renovated houses), I began to giggle to myself. On any given day driving down that same street 7 years ago, you may have seen Albert and Ramer sitting on top of their roof, just hanging out, enjoying the day!

I smile when I think of these memories, but what it really made me ponder is how quickly life can change. I can imagine that the faces that now call these houses home cannot begin to know what memories are held within those walls. In only a few short years, so much about them have changed. In a few short years, so much about ME has changed. It's kind of exciting and yet kind of scary, to look in the mirror and know....that in a few MORE short years, so much more of me will have changed. Time is ever moving, but just like these homes, each line, dent, faded piece of me will be a refection of a life well lived with many dear memories stored inside!!!!

Holy HATS!!!

2010-07-24T16:41:00.000-05:00

It is that time of the week again, or if you are lucky you've allowed two weeks in between....the dreaded grocery visit. If you are a stay at home mom you have both a love-hate relationship with this store. You walk aimlessly down the isles, thankful, one, to at least be out of the house and, two, for remembering to make that list before you left. As if you can actually remember what you need once you enter this endless land of (crying, screams, grabbing things off the shelves) food items! You usually allow yourself 30 seconds to think, "Do I dare enter empty handed? I mean...my children are EXPECTED to behave a certain way." And once that ridiculous thought passes, you reach for the....sucker, goldfish....basically anything that will provide you with a few minutes of concentration on what you are actually there to do.

If you can relate to this at all, then most likely you can probably relate to the events that occurred BEFORE leaving the house. While sparing details I will sum it up with one word.....HAT! That's right....in utter defeat, I put a hat on my head and headed to grocery store. Feeling exhausted (and it was only 10 am), lonely (is it this difficult for other people?), trying to figure out why this was the highlight of our day (meaning...this was the only thing on our agenda), I became suddenly aware of my surroundings. I think I saw at least three other moms trying to hide their non-made up face, dark circled eyes, look of surrender.....with a hat! How refreshing it was, in that moment, to realize that I was not alone. No words, no communication was needed to see that. It was simply stepping outside of my own world....and paying attention.

Being a Mommy, especially a stay-at-home Mommy, is tough business. It is definitely not for everyone. And on the days it doesn't even feel like it is for us.....that is why God made HATS!!!

Make Room for the "BUT"

2010-07-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

4 months. It has been approximately 4 months since I last wrote on this blog. From the outside looking in, so much about my life has been changed over the course of that time. From the inside looking out, however, everything has changed. My heart and my head have been in a daily battle. "I have been hurting. Life is hard. I don't know who I am anymore. Things aren't going like I hoped they would. I am not happy." etc, etc, etc, whine, whine, whine

And then there was David.

I was sitting on the floor, completely broken, completely humbled, sobbing to Lord. I talk to the Lord often, but am guilty of not seeking Him like I should. Feeling defeated, I reached over, grabbed my roommate's Bible, and opened it to the page that was marked. Psalm 31. As I read the words of David, my heart began to cry with him. I couldn't have written the words in that moment any better.

"....I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning. My strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. .....I have become like broken pottery...."

Can you feel that? I sure could!!! David was hurting. Life was hard. He was clearly not happy. His life was not going as he hoped if would. (....wait for it....)

.....BUT.....

"I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands."

How much did David get it? He knew how to hurt and hurt well. He was real; he was honest; he wasn't afraid to be transparent. BUT.....he also knew what so many of us forget in the midst of our fears, sorrows, longings.....David knew who to give it to.

I forget so often that I am not the first to cry out to the Lord. I am not the first person he has had to counsel. He does understand, has walked in my shoes, has felt utter despair. And I believe in reminding me of David's words, the Lord was giving me a clear message. "It is time to make a little room in your life....for the BUT."

Sap!

2010-03-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am a self-proclaimed sap...and proud of it! I can't help it...was born with the gene...to feel vastly and love deeply! So I am admitting to the world that I struggle with the concept of love sometimes. I know movies are movies and books are books, and that we can't compare real love to what we discover in stories. However, there is a part of me that is conflicted with that response. I believe that as people, if we are able to be moved enough to not only write stories/movies of such depth, then somewhere, someone has had to "feel" that intensely. In my heart, it can't just be dreamed up. How could the God that has given us the ability to dream so far not also give us the capacity to love just as great?

So the purpose of my post.....I have just finished reading Wuthering Heights. I have really enjoyed reading the classics lately. I love finding myself in a different time period, allowing these books to be my eyes into the way life was long before me. I was so excited to read this book, yet felt so tragically sad as I finished it. While the book was filled with rough characters, despising moments, and deep heartbreak....the common theme was love. Heathcliff loved Catherine, and Catherine loved Heathcliff. She spoke of loving him so much so that she felt as if his very soul reflected her own. Yet she married another, and they were never to be together. Other than a brief moment before her death, were they able to humbly confess their love and wrap themselves within each others arms. And Heathcliff loved none other until the day he died.

I realize that I may be spoiling the book for those of you who have not read it, but I think of their story and my heart breaks. How do you go through life loving someone with all that you are and never be able to be with that person? How do you find joy in life if part of you feels so empty? Maybe you don't, and you would react just as Heathcliff did....angry, bitter, hurt! I think we as humans can almost relate more to that storyline than one with a happy ending.

"The greater the love, the greater the fall.....except for the times, when love conquers all." I think I am going for a happy ending on my next read!

The House That Built Me

2010-03-09T09:44:00.000-06:00

I'll never forget the last time I walked out of my childhood house. I was home from college for the weekend. For whatever reason, my mother and I had been arguing, and I stormed out angry. When it finally hit me that the next time I longed for home I would find myself in another house, my heart completely sank. I sat outside, hiding myself between the one foot wall separating the garage doors, put my head in my hands, and sobbed. I knew, through my immature actions, that this was not the way to leave. My pride, however, kept me from reentering my house. And I left.

I left. Those words....that memory...still aches my heart with grief. I think about going back there often, knocking on a stranger's door, explaining who I am. Each time I am in town, I drive by and notice from the outside alone how much it has changed, and decide that I don't want my memories to be clouded by foreign images.

When I heard this song, it took me back. I am so thankful that no matter how far we are in life, we can close our eyes and find our way back home. When I close my eyes I find myself in my favorite childhood memories: Climbing pine trees all day long. Making forts underneath out of all the pine needles. Sappy fingers. The grove behind our house and the wild turkeys that would make it their nesting place by day. Sitting in, what felt like, a field of buttercups behind our home....and picking them out of our neighbors yard to bring home (which I'm sure they loved). The fresh smell of the mowed grass every weekend. Playing with the neighbors till dark. Riding our bikes everywhere. The color of the trees in autumn. The fresh air up on the mountain. The quietness and stillness up above city life. My moments with God on the brow....finding peace in all his beauty. Jumping off the back of the shed into our pool. Laying out on top of the shed. Water volleyball parties. My maple town world in our guest room closet. Playing on the stone wall, watching everyone enter the neighborhood. My church family. Carabining off the tennis wall...which I later knocked down with the car. The baseball field Dad made.......

I feel like I could go on and on and on. I was very blessed with a wonderful, loving, safe home. I love it so and cling to my memories because they made me who I am today. Sometimes I do feel a bit lost, not being able to go back to the place that stores so much of my heart. Yet I am so blessed that I don't have to go far to find it again.

"Won't take nothing but a memory, from the house that built me."

Same Kind of Different As Me

2010-02-19T20:03:00.000-06:00

This may come as a complete shock to those who know me well....but I....have become a reader. I think it is my long lost passion. I can't recall why I never liked to read growing up. There is something about being "made" to read that takes the fun right out of it.

One of my sweet friends told me about this book. The cover of the book reads, "a modern-day slave, an international art dealer, and the unlikely woman who bound them together." I was truly touched by the true story of Denver Moore and Ron Hall. It amazes me daily the relationships that God can bring together, but even more so, the wisdom that can come from the most unexpected places.

The wisdom I am referring to came from a homeless man (Denver), and I wanted to share some of his quotes that stuck with me from the book. I hope that I can carry them with me always and begin viewing the world as he did.

"The Word says God put ever star in the heavens and even give ever one of em a name. If one of em was gon' fall out the sky, that was up to Him too. Maybe we can't see where it's gon' wind up, but He can."

"Our limitation is God's opportunity. When you get all the way to the end of your rope and there ain't nothin you can do, that's when God takes over."

"But I found out everybody's different-the same kind of different as me. We're all just regular folks walkin down the road God done set in front of us."

.....and this one of course I not only love, but believe whole heartedly.....

"There's somethin special about a river, somethin spiritual that I believe goes all the way back to the river Jordan."

Magic

2010-02-16T21:42:00.000-06:00

"She tapped her finger & nothing happened & she thought she had lost her magic, but it had only changed & it took her awhile to figure it out."

I love this quote! When I read it for the first time it was like a lightbulb went off within me. I feel like it is the very definition of my life in this season. I have been struggling with identity. Who was I before I had children? When you look in the mirror, hair flowing in all directions, teeth have not been brushed, pajamas still in check, and realize you haven't even eaten today....you start to wonder sometimes if you have lost your magic....lost what made you YOU in the first place.

For someone that doesn't handle or accept loss well, I am beginning to see that it is an unavoidable part of our existence, and that it has a funny way of presenting itself sometimes. Whether it be loss of self, loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of life....somewhere in our journey whatever is taken from us leaves us....lost. It has been a tough year, but what I am realizing is that I am still me. I haven't lost what makes Laura, Laura....my magic has just changed....and it has taken me a while to figure it out. Even though each day is a new journey, whether good or bad, I am learning how to bring myself back to life again. Pajama days may not be a rare gift anymore....but they are certainly a gift. My dance parties may be a little different.....but I can still break it down. The jokes may be more about survival....but I still love to laugh. The world may not be at my fingertips....but I hold MY world in my fingertips!

.....It took me a while to figure it out (and most days I'm still figuring it out)......but there's still a little magic left in me!!!!

Complete Humility...

2010-02-08T14:54:00.000-06:00

I will probably find myself writing many blog entries about my weekend retreat. There were so many moments that truly touched my heart...and so many times I heard God's whisper. One of those moments came in the form of a girl named April. I sat with her Friday night and listened to her tell all about her path to becoming a Special Education teacher. She told me that it was difficult for her growing up with cerebral palsy and always being treated so different. April wants to be a teacher to help and love children going through experiences she herself faced as a child. Not only that, she works at a camp helping children with disabilities. I was truly touched by her story and her zest for life. She has done more for others in her years than I will probably ever do in my life. April ended up spending most of the weekend with us, and I am pretty she sure thinks I am about as crazy as it gets after our Saturday night of dancing, laughing, and being silly.....

......but as I stood in worship, praying through some battles within my own heart....I looked over and saw April. She had tears in her eyes, her hands lifted to the Lord, and she was singing for joy. And I thought to myself......wow. She has faced trials that I can't even begin to comprehend much less understand, and there she is praising our Lord.

When the weekend ended I went up to April, hugged her, and told her I really enjoyed meeting her. And do you know what she told me.......that I was beautiful, that I have the sweetest heart, and that I really made her laugh.

Oh boy....did she really have it backwards! Complete humility!

Joy In the Journey...

2010-02-08T14:06:00.000-06:00

"The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." That is the message I am holding in my heart today. I began last weekend a broken mess and walked away, not fully restored, but feeling hopeful once again. A war is not won is one big sweep, but in the small victorious battles. I am learning....that it is all about the battles.

Joy on the Journey

In the last two years the Lord has blessed me with two beautiful children. And because of these sweet blessings, I have been unable to attend the women's retreats at church. This year...I was out of excuses. Not really feeling a strong desire to attend as well as thinking this was going to be a fun, light weekend of conversation.....I set out on the road to Dickson. My heart has been heavy for a while now....heavy with life, responsibilities, loss of identity. Somewhere along this journey I have found myself living in the existence that this was as good as it gets....and I have not been satisfied. So when I walked into our first conference Friday night I prayed this prayer, "Lord God, I am here. Whether I feel like it or not, I am completely opening my heart to you this weekend, and all I am asking is that you show me you are here." Then worship began. As a faster pace song came on, a beautiful black woman began to clap. I laughed a little to myself and thought, "She looks like fun. I am going to have to meet her this weekend." About ten minutes later, this woman turned out to be our speaker. As she introduced herself we were given the opportunity to write down questions for her to answer. My question was, "You have 9 children and still seem so happily married. I struggle to be a good wife and only have 2. Do you have any advice?" See....I can ask a hard question like that when I do it in secret....on a paper....where no one knows it is me. Her answer was sweet and refreshing....."Remember to laugh, for this world is not our home." The answer brought tears to my eyes because I was reminded of how often I forget the truth in that statement. And then she did it......"Who wrote that question....if you don't mind me asking?" There I was, tears in my eyes, and I had to stand up, in my brokenness, and reveal that it was me. She came up in that moment and gave me a great big hug.....and I thought, "Okay God, you're here, and you're listening."

There were so many moments about this weekend that left me truly in awe. God showed up in so many places. This weekend was anything but fun and light. It was cut throat, honest, and deep.....and it made me realize that I have lost my joy. I seek happiness, and while happiness is a good thing, it is fleeting. It comes and goes as easily and quickly as the wind. And if that is our heart's desire, when those moments are gone, we are left empty. Joy is a choice. James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds....." Not IF you face trials....WHEN you face trials. One thing our speaker said this weekend that I am going to try to take with me on this journey....."We can have joy in the midst of anything we face because we know at the end of this journey....WE WIN."

So here I sit, pondering my journey, and what I have truly given to the Lord. He has given to me.....many, many undeserving blessings.....yet what do I give to him? I'm going to begin fighting battles for Him....and being joyful in those victories, no matter how small they are. And I'm going to do this in faith....that he has more planned for me than I am allowing myself to experience. So I make this promise....."I will hit my knees every day, Lord, whether I want to or not, whether I have anything to say or any joy to bring you. And all I ask is that you meet me in that place."

"From every day to eternity.....We were made for the journey."

Does Anybody Hear Her?

2010-02-04T22:54:00.000-06:00

Choruses and Bridges

2010-01-21T09:34:00.000-06:00

It is not a strange fact to anyone that I enjoy writing....in all shapes and forms that can encompass. For years now I have considered myself a "struggling" guitar player. I've taught myself the basics...enough to get by on, enough to strum a melody....and I still hold on to a hope of learning to one day play well. What I've discovered about myself over the years is that I love to write songs, pouring into them life, experiences, and feelings. I was taking my child to school today when I started singing/brainstorming a song that I have played around with time and again. I love the innocence that only a child can display as he said, "Sing it again, Mommy." Only a sweet, endearing two year old can find joy in his mommy's not-so-eloquent singing voice. As I began to sing, as well as search my brain for other songs I have once written, I realized that I have written many songs that include only a chorus and a bridge. Looking at the pages and pages of scribbled words that fill my guitar box, I began to wonder why that was. "Life is filled with joyful moments as well as sad ones. It is the sad moments, however, where I usually draw my inspiration, so I take the good with the bad." I said these words the other day to a friend, but it didn't occur to me until this morning how much I truly apply them to my life. When I am discouraged, worried, anxious, I write. Words pour out me quite easily......thus, the chorus. And the passion that emerges from the new strength, understanding, and ability to overcome sets up a nice bridge. I guess it shows my inexperience in the song writing category...my childish impatience of wanting to know how the story ends. In doing so, I leave out the most important part...the details! Maybe one day I will try to finish these songs or maybe I will just leave them for what they are, knowing the moments that led me to write those words are long past. However, it has allowed me to see that sometimes in life I need to slow down, take in the richness of the verses....for that bridge may lead to a whole new ending!

Temporary Home

2009-12-27T17:48:00.000-06:00

"Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
He looks up and says "I can see God's face."

"This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."

~Carrie Underwood

I can close my eyes and see it as if it were yesterday....every sound, every detail, every face that surrounded that hospital room. If I linger too long, the thought begins to haunt me. I had seen him weeks before, and weeks before, he had been fine. He was not fine, however, when I finally got there. There are many things I want to forget, but there is one thing I will always remember. When I walked into the room, tears began flooding my eyes at the very sight of his condition. As I held his freezing cold hand and told him I loved him, he opened his eyes, gave me a slight nod, and closed them. That was the last time he was able to acknowledge my presence. That was the last time I saw him awake before we watched him take his last breath.

We all face many trials in this life, some we may never understand, yet we are asked to walk through them. The world wages a tough battle, one I would be defeated by daily if didn't have faith. I can't believe it has been 7 months since losing Papa. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to experience. What scares me most, however, is knowing it will not be my last. As I listened to the words of "Temporary Home," I began to cry....and cry...and cry. I know that if Papa could have talked that day he would have told us just what the message of this song portrays. I am so thankful for his example, his love, his life.

Merry Christmas Papa!

A Perfect Lullaby

2009-12-15T11:32:00.000-06:00

I love this time of year...the shopping, decorations, presents, songs, parties, stories, and most importantly, the purpose. I love reading the story of the birth of Jesus, trying to close my eyes and fathom a time when the world looked completely different than it does today. And while my eyes focus on the beautiful baby and God's perfect plan, my thoughts are drawn to the woman behind the scenes...Mary.

The heart of a mother is vast and deep and can only be truly understood by those who have walked in the same shoes. As a mother of two I have found that as mothers we flock to each other. You can have an hour long conversation with a complete stranger about your children. We find comfort, relation, support simply in sharing our own experiences. There is one mother, however, who I long to know. Mary! A simple child, chosen by God to raise, not just a child, but the King of Kings. My thoughts cling to her often. Were there times she not only doubted God, but doubted herself? Did she find fear in providing for him? Did she feel guilt in disciplining? Did she lose her temper at times? Did she worry about letting God down? Did her heart feel a sense of selfishness...not wanting to let him go fulfill his purpose? So many thoughts, and yet, I think we all struggle with the same questions. The beauty of motherhood is that it is not defined by eras, decades, or trends...it is a common, ageless bond. I love this song because I felt a mother's plea, a mother's wish...the very heart of Mary herself. A perfect lullaby!

"Lord, I ask that He for just this moment simply be my child."

Roof Crashing Friends

2009-12-01T15:53:00.000-06:00

I recently read a chapter in a book that changed my whole perspective on a familiar bible story. Many have heard the story of the paralyzed man who was lowered through a roof to see Jesus. We hear the story and our hearts naturally draw to the suffering of the man and the grace of Jesus. How often, however, do we think of the man's friends? Yes, the miracle itself was big finish in a moving story, but what about the heart of it....the details, the small pieces of the puzzle that make it complete?

Imagine a paralyzed man, sitting on the side of the road every day, completely dependable on people around him to clean him, clothe him, carry him. He was probably lucky to have escaped death as an infant rather than being killed for his deformity....although I am not sure he would have considered this luck. He is defined to others not by who he is, but the image he portrays....and yet, he had friends. Not just friends, good friends.

"Here is a little band of men who refuse to let any obstacle stop them. Their little group clearly did not come about by accident. In the face of formidable obstacles-social sigma, inconvenience, financial pressure, a high cost of time and energy-they become friends."

These friends loved the man so deeply that their first reaction to Jesus' arrival was not of themselves, but of their friend. They made sure they picked him up (literally) on their way to see Jesus. When the group arrived, however, there was no way in to the home or even to the door. So what did they do? They climbed to the roof of the house and started tearing it open. I can imagine the paralyzed man protested...told them they were being ridiculous....was probably more embarrassed than he had ever been in his life, which is saying a lot.....though nothing stopped them. They cared more about their friend than they did any judgement or any consequence. The big finish to the story for me was not that Jesus actually healed the man, it was the reason...a reason that I don't think you fully grasp until you dig to the heart of the story...the friendships.

"Jesus sees a little of what God intended when he made human beings. He sees people who love even in the face of a giant "as-is" tag. He thinks to himself that this is humanity at its finest. He sees their faith."

I write of this not only to shed a new perspective on a miraculous story, but also to acknowledge that these kinds friendships are both rare and ageless. Suffering has always been a part of our world. We seek to find answers or reasons when it hits close to home, however, sometimes we refuse to embrace the opportunity it brings us....relationships. Recently two dear friends of mine lost one of their closest friends to a childhood disease. Their friend's downhill progression began about the time this story made its way into my life, and I found this becoming my daily prayer. I began praying for the man's healing and suffering, but also that the Lord would see the faces of his friends, my friends, as he did that day with the paralyzed man...and see their faith, their immense love for their friend.

Although this man lost his battle a few weeks ago, I have began to think more deeply about my prayer. I think the Lord did see his friends' faith, but long before the moment of dependence and weakness. The Lord saw their faith from the beginning and allowed a friendship to form that would withstand any and all obstacles. They were deeply devoted to one another and even sat by their friend's side as he drifted into the Lord's arms. They are the very definition of a "roof-crasher" and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to know them.

"Friends are people who have made a major roof-crashing commitment to other human beings."

Inspiration

2009-11-22T20:20:00.000-06:00

Guilty! I love to be inspired! I enjoy finding that perfect song, line from a book, sign on the road, heartfelt conversation....that literally speaks to my heart. My newest inspiration, however, comes from a man. I don't know his name or where he lives or what makes him unique, but he is there...every morning...same place...same routine. Two years ago my route to school changed directions. That was the first time I noticed him. In all honesty, I was probably sipping on my coffee, listening to music, running lesson plans through my head, and trying not to hit the guy walking on the side of the road waving his arms in the air as an exercise technique. I can imagine that I didn't think twice about seeing this old man walking that day, or even the many days that followed. Somewhere along the way, however, he began to grab my attention. I started looking for him on my drive and found a smile come to my face each time he appeared. He was always there, rain or shine, hot or cold. I don't know a thing about this man, but his level of dedication astounded me. It reminds me daily that if he can get out there and walk, day after day, then there is no room for excuses in my life.

As with anything in life, when we get out of routine, things can easily be forgotten. My daily venture to school came to an end this year, though it was not without blessing! My full-time job took on a whole different persona.....my children. One morning I was driving my two year old to preschool when I was completely stunned. There he was....same place, same routine, "different" time??!! I was so excited to not only see him that day, but be reminded of how much joy just his presence had brought to me for the past two years. The strange thing is that I still see him now, twice a week, on my morning drive. Why is it that years of consistency in his walks change the very year that my routine changes? How is it possible that we still meet on that road? Does the Lord so intricately place this man in my life as a reminder of his dedication to me....that he is always there, never failing, rain or shine, hot or cold? One day I hope to meet him, to tell him how proud I am of him, and what an encouragement he has been to me. (**I also hope that I don't give him a heart attack when some crazy car pulls up beside him.) He is the very definition of inspiration, and I was just lucky enough to have noticed!

Learning to Dance

2009-11-20T21:20:00.000-06:00

The Lord speaks to me in many ways, but today he spoke to me through dancing! My husband and I have talked for years about taking a dance class together. I love to dance.....any music, any time, anywhere. What I have discovered over the years is just that...."I" love to dance. It works when I dance...flows. When my husband and I get together, however, it doesn't look quite so eloquent. What is funny though, is that I have never placed the blame on myself. Dancing is an art. It takes patience, practice, dedication. It is letting go of control and learning to work with your partner. Isn't that just what a marriage is all about? I was very humbled tonight at this thought. How often do I allow my husband to lead me? How often do I follow his steps, surrender to his direction, trust in his support? This is an area that is very difficult for me. I've realized though that it isn't until we learn to "selflessly" dance together that we finally learn how to move with grace. A beginner learns, a moderate practices, and an advanced perfects. While I may only be a beginner, I cherish the wisdom God is giving me in these moments. I love that He speaks to me in a way I can relate to and understand. I am so thankful that no matter how many times I have awkwardly stepped on His toes, He still wants to dance with me.

With Age Comes Wisdom

2009-11-15T13:37:00.000-06:00

Wisdom truly is a gift.....one I so desperately envy, yet one I don't always fight to gain. However, what truly defines a wise man? Is it how much he knows or how he upholds himself in the situations life throws at him? Over the years I've found that my first reaction to things is not always "above reproach." But today was different. Today I shocked myself! I have been reminded lately of something a dear friend told me, "Everyone in life will always let you down. Only God is always there, always consistent, and will never fail us." As I reflected on this statement and those that have hurt me in some way, I found my reaction to be understanding, almost compassionate. Instead of my usual response of talking aloud trying to make situations make sense, I began to pray. "Lord, this person may have let me down, but they are still your child. You still love them as much as you love me. It does not make them a bad person just because my feelings may have been hurt. So I will not talk negatively about one of your children, but pray for them." Talk about a wow moment! I was even taken back a little! I began to laugh, look to the sky, and say, "Wow Lord, I guess I am growing up!" Isn't it sad that it takes us so long to become wise? Unfortunately, I have a long way to go! I am very thankful that the Lord does not give up on me!

Pages Turned, Bridges Burned, Lessons Learned

2009-11-13T15:18:00.000-06:00

"And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned."

~Carrie Underwood

I love music! While melody and songwriters do influence my taste at times, a good lyric can completely draw me in. Music speaks to me. I find it can pull the deepest thoughts and desires out of me and actually put them into the words that I don't know how to form myself. It is understanding, relational, and reminds me that others out there go through/feel the same things I do. There will probably be many blog entries that begin with a song.

Those who are close to me know that the past several months have been very difficult for me. I always knew that having two children would be a challenge, however, I was not prepared for what I discovered about myself in the process. I found that the "me" that existed was gone....stripped of everything I ever knew before beginning this journey of motherhood. My responsibilities changed, obligations were different, and priorities took on a whole new outlook. What I've learned is that we are constantly being molded, changed, made new, prepped for the next stage of our adventure in this life. Each time I am at a complete loss, the Lord instills more of his character within me, and with that, my faith reaches levels it never has before. As quoted from one of my favorite movies, "A bird may love a fish my Lord, but where would they live?" "Then I shall just have to make you wings." When my life seems completely out of sort that is just what the Lord does for me.....makes me wings....equips me with what I need to know him more and love him better. So, I am thankful...for every break in my heart, for every scar, for every lesson. And while my life may look entirely different than it once did before children.....different, is not always a bad thing to strive for!

My Outlet...

2009-11-12T22:01:00.000-06:00

I love to write. I have always loved to write. However, I have found that my desire for writing only pours over me when I am passionate for something. As I get older I find myself passionate for so many things that my heart feels at times like it wants to literally jump out of me, share my thoughts, experiences, lessons. I desperately need an outlet to allow myself this escape....no matter if it is simply me and the world. So here it is.....here begins my "write" of passage.